ETA to Destiny

Planetandrea.com

2005-08-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

poutine

2005-08-23T14:51:00.000-05:00

alright, so i've heard alot about this stuff and never tried it before. its called poutine, an authentic canadian dish. it consists of french fries, cheese, and gravy. yes, sounds very gross, but its actually fantastic! i definently think you need to go with the beef gravy for this, not chicken. the food fair in the mall served it with mozzarella cheese curds, which was really good too. i'll definently be eating this at home!

hApPy BiRtHdAy!

2005-08-22T22:18:00.000-05:00

today was gareth's birthday! when he woke up and left for work he totally forgot it was his day, so i said..."hey guess what? its your birthday!!!" and he said..."hey, it is!" so hopefully that put a smile on his face as he goes to work. the rest of the day i planned on surprising him with something nice. in the afternoon i made him a big cookie and put 27 candles on it. i involved his friends colin and barry in my scheme. we went to walmart and i got gareth some more gifts to open (since i let him open my original presents already because i didn't think i was going to be here) so i got him a set of martini glasses, and barry suggested getting him some Legos. so i ended up getting him 2 of these really cool lego sets that are like knights with swords and shields, they looked sweet. i also made a sign out of posterboard and pasta that said happy birthday, and we blew up about 50 balloons and scattered them everywhere. barry and colin bought him a children's size bat and ball that talks when you swing. i felt bad when i asked gareth if they did anything for him at work..he said they forgot, and the phone didn't ring either wishing him happy birthday from his family after he got home. his grandmother did send him a card, and his aunt gave him a gift card at the wedding along with his other grandparents. i'm glad i did something for him, it makes me sad to think if i wasn't here he'd be alone for his birthday :( thanks to colin and barry, we pulled off something really fun. i hope gareth liked his day :) More pics.

goodbye gomboo..hopefully

2005-08-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

well, starting to actually be able to swallow now, the barfing is under control, and i'm feeling *much* better today! we went to the grocery store this morning and spent a buttload of money, but we were stocking up on groceries for my extra week here. today we've been loafing around, watching constantine, and i've made bacon roll-ups, garlic mozzarella bites, and banana muffins. we're gonna have the guys over again tonight to hang out. we have alot of fun, and we all get along great, so its fun to have other nerdy gamers like myself to hang out with.

you're on my mind

2005-08-20T20:52:00.000-05:00

gomboo day #3

2005-08-19T17:29:00.000-05:00

well, i'm still sick as hell. last night we went out with g's friends mark & cathy, and barry & colin to a nice restaurant called Moxie's, and I spend 1/2 of the dinner in the bathroom throwing up. i felt better after i got sick, so we ended up going to diegos for drinks and dancing. Here's the pics from Diego's

poor barry, being the nice guy he is, he was our designated driver for the evening (and the only one with a car) and on the way home he got pulled over for speeding and got a ticket :(

today me and gareth took a bus into victoria and went to his work for about 2 hours, then we went into the mall to get something to eat. I went to New York Fries, the best damn place in the world, all they serve is french fries covered in stuff. I got Poutine, which is french fries, cheese curds, and a beef-like gravy. I ended up puking that up about 1/2 hour later though :( I was miserable on the busride back, G's taking good care of me, he's been pampering me while I've been sick, and even brought me flowers :)

got the gomboo

2005-08-18T13:24:00.000-05:00

well, during my visit to canada, i have got a bad case of strep throat, an ear infection, and a sinus infection...:( Gareth's mom took me to a clinic yesterday morning (thanks Deb) and i've been laying on the couch for 2 days now, hopefully i'll start being able to swallow soon! Gareth and I decided that it would be good if I stayed here longer, so I have extended my trip until Aug. 29th. I'll have to have phone consultations with my doctors, and my parents have agreed to keep Mikey for me while I'm here. I feel like total ass but I think its getting better after taking the penicillan for the last 2 days.

lighthouse

2005-08-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

Gareth, Barry, Colin and me went to Fort Rodd Hill today in Victoria, BC to see the lighthouse, it was so pretty, and we got some cute pics! See the rest

wedding photos

2005-08-14T02:40:00.000-05:00

today Gareth's sister, Rachel, got married. It was a beautiful day and the wedding was so nice. I met Gareth's entire family today for the first time, they were all very nice and I was totally comfortable around them!

See the rest of the pics

new links

2005-08-11T01:36:00.000-05:00

i added a couple more cool blogs for you all to read in your spare time! Click here to see them or the link to the right

I found some pics from my co-worker named Evelyn that I had lost for almost a year! I hope she loves them! See them here!

Went to eat chinese, see the pics from my girlies using chopsticks for the first time! See pics!

things to do when bored #2

2005-08-11T01:24:00.000-05:00

The Color Test a bit tricky! I scored 0%, and i was like WTF!!!

Match Age Sort of like Hot or Not but you guess the people's ages

Web Crosswords Just a buttload of crossword puzzles

Birth Database Find birth information on you or others by searching under first and last name! Creepy....I'm on there ;)

Crazy Criminals Real crimes committed by dumb criminals.

things to do when bored #1

2005-08-11T01:18:00.000-05:00

Draw A Pig
Check out my pig!
Gareth's Pig
Jeremy's Pig
Send me the link to your pig!

Alright, this straight up pisses me right off....for all of you fuckers who can draw and show off your "drawing skills" on a GD DRAW YOUR PIG WEBSITE, suck me. My pig is beautiful, and it has the character of a second grader. eat it.

fav song of the moment Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie

2005-08-07T00:20:00.000-05:00

Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you have to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

Nononono baby, nononono don't lie
Nononono, yeah you kno know know know you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I see you & what you're all about

She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

Nononono baby, nononono don't lie (no, don't you lie)
Nononono, yeah you know know know know you gotta try (got to try, got to try)
What you gonna do when it all comes out (what you gonna do baby)
When I see you & what you're all about
Nonono babe, nononono don't lie
Because you kno you kno you kno you kno you know gotta try

Yo, I'm lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it

fishing

2005-08-06T21:37:00.000-05:00

went out to bait some bank poles with my dad tonight, and i got some cool pictures of mikey's first ride in a boat. he did pretty good until he spotted a muskrat on the bankline and wanted to jump out after it.

i spotted this frog just hanging out on a log

ok so i'm bored....

2005-08-06T15:58:00.000-05:00

i decided to go to the internet movie database (www.imdb.com)and pull up all of my favorite movies, then pick a character from each movie, and do a google search on that name, and find a real person. here's what i found.

Old School - Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell (Vince Vaughn)

National Lampoons Christmas Vacation - Cousin Eddie Johnson (Randy Quaid)

Dukes of Hazzard - Bo Duke
ok so I didn't find a real life person, however one website inparticular shows the "endowment" of Bo Duke

daily horoscope

2005-08-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

Today August 6, 2005
There is a loving tenderness in the air that you will find a great deal of comfort in, Andrea. Ground your sensitive emotions and make room for love to enter the picture. It could be that you are feeling indecisive when it comes to matters of love and romance at this time. The best thing for you to do is stabilize yourself, and then make the effort to connect intimately with another. The decisions will flow naturally from there. The Moon's transit implies that the events of the past year have made a major difference in your personality, and you've grown quite a bit. Now you need to ponder what that growth means to you when contemplating your future. Right now, the future looks good. You need to make use of good sound common sense to make sure it continues that way.

crazy

2005-08-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

ok, time to come to terms with reality. i've taken some time off work because i'm having alot of difficulties dealing with "life" right now. i crashed really hard recently, and was told i shouldn't be working right now. i've been diagnosed as being Type I Bi-Polar. it was extremely difficult for me to hear that. i'm not quite sure why, there's always some type of stigma with mental illness issues, and i didn't want to be classified as a stigma. this month has been one of the hardest yet in my life. i'm only getting 1/2 pay from work while i'm off, my grandfather is dying, i had an abnormal papsmear, being away from gareth, and trying to patch a broken relationship with my ex and making a friendship. all of that going on while starting on a new "crazy pill" that has set me into an emotional frenzy, AND started my period out of nowhere! ugh, life is tough. i hate being an adult.

hi from Nebraska

2005-08-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

well, its my last night here, its been a great couple of days. I'm glad I got to spend some time with my brother and his wife in their new home. its truly beautiful here, and we've had some good times. i've mostly spent my days sitting around talking with my brother, and yesterday my sister in law took us to get pedicures.

tour of Jeremy's new home
Jeremy's audition for American Idol

My brother is the shizzle, a big shot out to Jeremy for buying me a iPod Photo :D I'm so excited

on the road again

2005-08-02T09:44:00.000-05:00

since i have a few days between dr appts, i'm going to stay with my brother in nebraska. i've been dealt a few things lately that are going to take some work, and my brother has been through alot of it already. it will be nice to be able to sit and talk to him about whats going on in my life right now.

New Pictures

2005-07-31T22:01:00.000-05:00

Today I went to walk along the river with Sara & her dog Shay. It was so beautiful outside and the sun was just starting to go down.

Sara & Shay Pics
Me and Mikey Pics

Bank Pole Fishing

2005-07-30T09:50:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up early and went fishing with my dad. Well, technically not "fishing," but my dad baited some bank poles last night and we went at 6am to check the poles for flathead catfish in the Rock River. We ended up getting 5 altogether and my dad filleted them to grill later :) See the rest of the fishing pics

Mikey meets a catfish for the first time! Click Here!

new pictures

2005-07-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

I got to spend the day with my girls, Emily and Camryn. We went to the pool in the afternoon, then to buy some school clothes, then we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I feel whole when I'm with them, they are such a huge part of my life, and being without them a piece of me is missing. It is definently the mother in me wanting to be near the children that I've raised. I wonder what my future holds, if I'm going to be able to have children of my own. I know that I will be able to love a child like my own even if it wasn't from me, those girls have shown me what unconditional love is really about.

Spending time with "my girlies" Emily and Camryn at the pool

Turtle Turtle : Holding a turtle that my dad caught

ahhhhhhhhhh

2005-07-28T10:09:00.000-05:00

today is my first visit with a new psychiatrist. this is always nerve racking for me because i don't do well expressing my feelings to strangers, i always like to sugar coat things and make them see not so bad so that i don't feel like they can judge me. today i'm starting over, i'm letting everything out, and i'm scared of that, because i've NEVER been able to do it, and i'm worried what's gonna come out of my mouth. ok time to go smoke....we'll see how today goes.

welcome to the jungle

2005-07-22T14:05:00.000-05:00

i'm going through some embarrassing days. i'm not used to feeling weakness, i've always been everybody else's rock, and now i'm the one at the bottom. i'm struggling admitting to myself that its okay to feel this, but its something i'm not used to. i've always been able to deal with whatever life hands me, and about 10 other peoples' burdens as well. also, i've pushed aside some symptoms that i should have addressed about a year ago. i'm finally taking some time out for me, needing to miss some work to make that happen (which I can't afford to do), and getting some help.

my fortune

2005-07-20T15:25:00.000-05:00

today at lunch, i was excited to open my fortune cookie. i've been having a bad battle with depression, trying to figure things out, get my life back in order. somehow thinking a statement from a fortune cookie would help me understand my future *shrug* so i open my fortune cookie, and....nothing. no fortune inside. what does that mean? i asked the waiter what it meant, and he looked at me, and went and got me another one. ok, so i thought, i'll give it another try.

"Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst"

enough said. fortune cookies can go fuck themselves.

why didn't i think of this?

2005-07-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

a freakin cafe that serves only cereal! sweet!

the sky up there

2005-07-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

i have a HUGE fascination with the sky, moon, stars, planets etc. I came across this cool site where you can look at the moon. Google Moon

arg not another one..

2005-07-20T12:40:00.000-05:00

What was I doing 10 years ago: graduating high school, trying to figure out what i want to do for the rest of my life, praying to find a great love

5 years ago: living with my ex in a 2 bedroom apartment, working for a mortgage loan company, bought my car

1 year ago: married, living in my house with my step-daughters and my dog mikey, working at my current job

Yesterday: just trying to make it through the day

Snacks I enjoy: strawberry licorice, taquitos with sour cream, m&m's, nachos at 3am from room service, crab ragoon from chinese vendor outside the club

songs I know all the words to: Baby Got Back, Ice Ice Baby, anything Sarah McLachlan, Never is a promise, um i'm sure alot more

Things I would do with a $100 million: $1 split between every co-worker so they can get the hell out, build a nice house with a pool & grotto like the Playboy mansion, start a small film company making documentary of average people, buy 500 acres of land and build a house for my family members, travel with the rest of the money and every homeless person would get $10,000 that was nice to me and didn't bug me for anything

Locations I would like to run away to: Las Vegas, Egypt, Paris, Greece, Spain

Bad habits I have: smoking, eating sugar, self conscience, lack of motivation, not sleeping enough

smells I Like: first burst of air conditioning i start my car, the way my mom smells, new tires, dry erase markers, sex

Things I like doing: traveling, kissing, singing in the shower,

Things I would never wear: open toe granny sandal's, a dickey, bikini, tube top

TV shows I like: CSI, Aqua Teen, Days of our Lives, Oprah, Andy Milonakis

Biggest joys of the moment: talking to Gareth, the fact that i have a job and i'm supporting myself, my dog, smoking this cigarette, my parents

Favorite toys: dvd burner, webcam, bullet, cellphone, dvd player

mother of all catfish

2005-07-20T12:25:00.000-05:00

props to my dad for landing a enormous 29.5 lb catfish! he caught it just in time to enter it in his "brotherhood of catfish" fish-off, so he's got a great chance of winning.

take a ride on the andrea express

2005-07-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

have you ever felt the moment when your heart feels like it just fell through the back of your chest, and now there's just a hole. yeah. its kinda like that.

my heart is having an out of body experience, doing a self survey on its feelings. its been free and able to ride the "andrea express," trying to keep up the whole time, unsure of what to feel around the next corner. how much can one's heart take before it de-rails?

when i feel disappointment, anger, frustration, deception, dishonesty, mistrust, resentment and sadness, not only does it bring me down, but i beat myself up for getting into that position to even feel that way. i build a wall to protect from it happening again. if i let down my guard, and it happens a second time, i've completely disappointed myself, and feel like a failure. its self torture from other's actions upon me. double wammy.

the only coping mechanism i've ever had to fix this problem, unfortunately, is to try and fix the situation by trying to overcome my fears and put myself out there again. i'm a fixer, helper, lover, comforter. i could never hurt anyone, which is why i'm so vulnerable to get hurt.

sunburn!!

2005-07-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

my brother and sister-in-law came into town this weekend from Nebraska. Its been a since memorial day since they were here. my sister-in-law (J) loves to go swimming, so I managed to get the day off and we went to the pool with my mom. the temp outside was about 102 degrees, but being in the pool you couldn't tell how hot it really was. i put on sunblock before we got in the pool, but it didn't help.
my nephew (baxter the dog) came along with Jeremy and J. Bax is a kerry blue terrior, he's really sweet and loves to give me kisses behind my ears. my dad cracks me up whenever baxter is around, he ties his fluff of hair in front of his eyes back so baxter can see, i think it drives my dad crazy! i bought a dozen ears of sweet corn at a roadside stand, so i thought it would be a good time to cook it up, dad and i shucked the corn and he cust it off the ear for me since i HATE getting the hairs between my teeth from eating corn on the cob. See the rest of the pics!

burp, charlie burp! spoiler

2005-07-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

went to see charlie and the chocolate factory friday night, i think i sat there for the first hour wondering, what the hell am i watching?? if you haven't seen this, it might be sort of a spoiler, but i have to get it out. for one, i loved the movie, it was TOTALLY different than the first one. during the first 10 minutes of the movie, my mom leans over and tells me, "I never saw the first one." how is that humanly possible?? also, i was a little ticked when i realized they have completely cut out my FAVORITE part of the original movie, the scene where Charlie and Grandpa Joe find the fizzy lifting drink and almost get sucked into the fan. i was devastated to realize they dismissed this scene. the oompa loompas were completely different too. they have replaced the blue faced midgets with some indian looking fellow who was digitally reduced in size, and every oompa loompa was the same guy. the songs were completely different, and all new. they replaced the golden goose with a quick nut peeling squirrel. they did a good job with finding kids to play the original characters, however i would have casted the parents a little differently. my biggest difference from the original is the ending. TOTALLY DIFFERENT!

pour some sugar on me

2005-07-15T13:43:00.000-05:00

why in God's name are tickets to see Def Leppard and Brian Adams $40?? I mean, seriously, if it was any other bands, I might consider it, but cmon, its def leppard. my friend Sara wants to see them, and I said I'd go with her, but damn, $40?

addiction

2005-07-14T22:41:00.000-05:00

ok so now i'm offically addicted AGAIN to pogo.com! I was pogo free for about 8 months, then one day i logged back in to see if my account was still open, and the site sucked me back in like a crackwhore looking to make a few bucks! i'm back to achieving my weekly challenges and getting new badges! WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKING BADGES!

please God no!!!!!

2005-07-14T22:32:00.000-05:00

I realized after looking at my picture I had bug eyes like the runaway bride chick! spooky!

chocolate flavored kisses

2005-07-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

i went and had dinner tonight with Amber and Kain, we made mexican pizza (almost corn muffin pizza) and cupcakes! Amber told me to pick up some corn bread mix at the store, so i did. Low and behold, we actually needed corn MEAL and bisquick, so we almost had an interesting pizza on our hands! we scraped the baking stone off and decided to just make corn muffins out of it, so we worked it out!
Kain had some fun with cupcakes, and he had it ALL over his face, so I thought I would join him and get a little chocolately. See more pics!

Shout Out

2005-07-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

I'd like to give a shout out to my dad's new website, WhereIFish.com He's been working really hard on it lately, and my brother has done a great job setting it up for him. Since I'm officially the "PR" person for the site, I'm just trying to get the word out as much as possible. Its a totally free site, where people that love to fish can go and tell their stories and upload pictures of your catch! My dad is giving away $50 in Bass Pro gift cards every month for the best story! Visit WhereIFish.com and leave your fishing stories now, we look forward to reading them! There's also a forum where you can discuss certain types of fish, bait, fishing spots, etc.

Best Dog Ever

2005-07-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

I must admit, I have the best dog in the world!

See more pics!

hell yeah

2005-07-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

You Are 82% American

You're as American as red meat and shooting ranges.
Tough and independent, you think big.
You love everything about the US, wrong or right.
And anyone who criticizes your home better not do it in front of you!

How American Are You?

I'm a good kisser!

2005-07-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new
A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...
And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable
There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Picture Pages

2005-07-12T19:25:00.000-05:00

1. This is my grandmother's sewing scissors. She passed away in 1999 when she was 99 years old, and recently my other grandmother gave these to me. My grandmother was very good at sewing, cooking, baking, and everything else a housewife born in 1900 would know how to do. I wish she was still around to teach me everything she knew.

2. This picture is of me and my friend Jenn when we were 18, this was taken in her dorm room her freshman year at Loras College, in Iowa. I can't believe how long my hair was back then! I miss it now, but it was alot of work!

3. This is a scrub shirt that was given to me by a drug rep when I worked for Genesis hospital doing medical billing. I thought it was cool since it was for Viagra. Its too big for me now, so I haven't been able to wear it, I just can't seem to get rid of it though!

new pictures

2005-07-12T18:59:00.000-05:00

new photos uploaded

Becca's Birthday
Cousins All-Star Game
Finding a mate for Mikey

Pet Insurance

2005-07-12T15:43:00.000-05:00

ok, so i was browsing the www today and came across a link for "Pet Insurance", so I decided to give it a chance. I can't imagine anything happening to my doggie, Mikey! It would be nice to know that if something did happen, I wouldn't have to shell out thousands of dollars for his care!

PetInsurance.com
Your Free Quote
You have added MIKEY to your quote. Our Veterinarians recommend the VPI Superior Plan along with the Vaccination & Routine Care Coverage for the best care for MIKEY.

MIKEY Canine -

Base Plan**
VPI Superior Plan $19.92 monthly $239.00 annual
** Includes $12.00 Lost & Found Registration
Annual benefit maximum of $14,000*
A low deductible of $50 per incident,Benefits include diagnosis, diagnostics and anesthesia and chemotherapy/radiation allowances (where applicable). Additional benefits may also be available for specialized diagnostic tests (such as an ultrasound or MRI) or if your pet is referred to a board certified specialist.

Vaccination and Routine Care Coverage $8.25
Double Cancer Benefits Endorsement $2.83
Monthly Processing Fee $2.00

Total monthly cost $33.00

2005-07-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Becca! I went out with Becca and her husband, Art, Sean, and Greg last night for Becca's birthday.

holy crap my hands are filthy! i just looked down at the keyboard and noticed how dirty my fingers are!! egh!

I'm so glad I have the day off tomorrow, I'm buying my house! It will be a good feeling to know that I own it! Its been something I've been working towards for a long time to get my credit in order.

Work is going to be extremely slow today, I can already tell. maybe they will send people home because we're not busy, that would be sweet, i think i am far on the list from being sent, so I'm stuck here, hey at least i have tomorrow off!

countdown

2005-07-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

i added a countdown to the right sidebar to count down the days until I go to Canada to see Gareth again! Thanks to my friend Art for helpin a sistah out! *props*

Fishing with my dad

2005-07-10T17:32:00.000-05:00

I went fishing this afternoon with my dad. We had a lot of fun, I caught 5 bluegill and 3 catfish in 1/2 hour! Fortunately, the pond we were fishing in was stocked full, so the minute I dropped my pole in, I had a bite!

Picture Pages Club

2005-07-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

ok so I'm trying to be cool and start a club. why not? :) so, i saw this idea on someone else's page, so yes, i can't take credit for it. its a bunch of people that all post on one site, where i would give 3 things you have to take a picture of and upload them to the blog, it looks really cool because everyone has a different perspective on each item.

you can view this at http://picturepagesclub.blogspot.com

if you want to join my club, just send me an email luv2luvu2@gmail.com and i'll add you as a member! yay i rock...

organization

2005-07-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

my goal this year was to be organized. i'm still working on that. my finances are getting there finally, getting my home loan finished up this next week, and consolidating my debt, and from that i'll have enough money to fix up my house and put up a fence for mikey! i was very surprised how small my debt really was when it was all put together, i'll have everything paid off in like a year and a half.
it feels like when your finances are in order, everything else seems to fall together, if you have to not pay a bill one month so you can make your house payment, then you go behind on the other bill, then you slack off another bill to pay the one you didn't pay the month before...etc etc etc...

other goals i had for this year was to rid myself of negativity in my life. i did manage to get rid of the biggest so far, so thats a start! another goal is to take care of myself, which i haven't been doing.

self note: no sugar, no pop, get sleep, exercise, eat protein.....
maybe i should make a huge sign and put it up in my kitchen!

house goals: fence backyard, landscape, new garage door, new side garage doors, remodel bathroom, clean out basement, get rid of crap!

i know what i need to do, i just need to get motivated

ugh.

2005-07-07T15:42:00.000-05:00

i hear my podmate, Missy, whisper to me while I'm on the phone this morning..."hey andrea!", and I look over to her, and she's holding up a piece of paper in pink writing..."it's a girl!" as the customer in my ear keeps talking, i'm not listening, and i start to daze. i put on the smile as if i'm thrilled for her, and do the "oh my god!" mouth movement. i desperately want to be a mother, i miss having children around. i feel very selfish faking my happiness, but its my time, i need to be a mom, and i can't.

unwritten

2005-07-03T13:18:00.000-05:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live
that way

one of these again...

2005-07-02T08:07:00.000-05:00

1. What is your occupation? SBC Customer Service Rep
2. What color is your underwear? Black
3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Johnson
4. What was the last thing you ate? Ritz Cracker
5. Do you wish on stars? Yes
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red
7. How is the weather right now? 73 degress
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Gareth
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? um...i guess, its amber, so..ya know *shrug*
10. How old are you today? 27
11. Favorite drink? Diet Mt. Dew
12. Favorite sport to watch? Figure Skating
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? only highlights
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? both
15. Pets? Allergic to everything!
16. Favorite month? October
17. Favorite food? school pizza & CHEESE!
18. What was the last movie you watched? Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
19. Favorite day of the year? May 6th, 2005
20. What do you do to vent anger? Cry
21. What was your favorite toy as child? my friend Paul's Masters of the Universe Castle Greyskull
22. Fall or Spring? Fall
23. Hugs or kisses? Kisses
24. Cherry or Blueberry? cherry
27. Living arrangements? Me and my dog Mikey in my house :)
28. When was the last time you cried? last night
29. What is on the floor of your closet? um, i don't have a closet :(
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Amber
31. What did you do last night? went to a movie with my mom
32. What are you afraid of? Spiders
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese
34. Favorite car? my cavalier
35. Number of keys on your key ring? 4
36. How many years at your current job? 1.5
37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday after 5pm
38. How many states have you lived in? 2
39. How many cities have you lived in? 3

Name a few things that you can’t stand whatsoever:
Vegetables
people that lie
mean people
smelly garbage

Hobbies?
Scrapbooking, Gaming

What kind of car do you drive? What color is it?
2000 red Chevy Cavalier

Worst time you got into trouble when you were a kid?
I called my brother a dorky piece of dog shit when i was 5.

Have you ever been on TV? i was interview on the news about the changing of our street.

What kind of music do you like to listen to?
All kinds except for some country…

What CD would your friends be surprised that you own? technically i don't "own" a recent cd, i d/l all my songs, so the song would probably be from the Carpenters.

Shoes or sandals?
both

Where do you buy most of your clothes?
Old Navy & Lane Bryant

Have you ever met any famous people? um..some WWF wrestlers, and Kenny Rogers

What are your favorite TV shows?
Friends, Will and Grace, Sex in the City, CSI, Law & Order, Andy Mulanakis Show, Real World, Dancing with the Stars, Meet the Barkers, Trading Spaces, Orange County Choppers, Extreme Makeover, Extreme Home Makeover

a gift

2005-07-01T22:27:00.000-05:00

we are given many choices in life, but some things we can't choose. people are put in our lives for a reason, to teach us, guide us, and inspire us. i've never realized the importance of 2 people in my life until tonight. i never realized how the little insignificant moments can be so influential in the big picture, and the effect they had over me. i was a mom. i am a mom. emily and camryn were put in my life for a reason. the thought of them tingles in my heart everyday, and puts a smile on my face.
however, tonight, the thought of them brings tears and heartbreak. the effect 2 little girls have on me is overwhelming. i didn't give birth, but i feel like they are a part of me. my heart is aching, just to hear them laugh, or watch them draw on the sidewalk with chalk. stepping over the backpacks in front of the door where they were dropped the minute we walked in the house. barbie clothes scattered throughout the house, like little reminders. early saturday mornings, feeling small hands wrap around your chest as they snuggle up next to you in bed and watch cartoons. eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. being punished by my 5 year old teacher because i didn't have my homework done when we played school. i miss them terribly. the thing that hurts the most, i always knew they were brought to me as a gift, because i've been told it would be very difficult for me to have children. motherhood was dangled in front of me, and i embraced it, giving my complete love to them, teaching them, guiding them, and inspiring them. all the while, not knowing, they were doing the same for me. they've taught me to love, be patient, kind, and giving. they guided me to be a better person, and inspired me to give my love to others unconditionally, just like they did to me. i wasn't their mother, but they made me feel like it. tonight i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm upset that i cannot be the mother that i was. the mother who taught them how to write their name, taught them how to ride a bike, taught them how to share. i'm angry. i'm angry that i won't be able to watch them grow up, fall in love for the first time, tell them how beautiful they look when they try on their first prom dress, watch them walk down the aisle at graduation, and be there when they start a family. i won't be able to tell them how proud i am of them. i hope they remember me, and what i taught them. i will always remember what they taught me.

ms brightside

2005-06-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

things are starting to look up, i'm finally starting to pull out of the mess in my head. i'm looking forward to having tomorrow off, i'm going to make soup for my grandparents tonight and hopefully spend some time with them tomorrow. sad to say, but spending time with people who have a good reason to be unhappy with life makes you appreciate yours even more.

sanity

2005-06-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

my heart, my soul, my passion, my love.

this is just a test

2005-06-27T14:35:00.000-05:00

After taking a analytical "color test" online, here's my results:

Hopes to obtain an improved position and greater prestige, so that she can procure for herself more of the things she has had to do without.
Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally herself and make herself more secure. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, she feels, can she withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for her personal qualities.
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

www.colorquiz.com

foggy

2005-06-27T09:23:00.000-05:00

the last week, my mind has been a complete fog. i cannot recall what i did 5 minutes earlier, i wander in my thoughts randomly and lose all concentration on what i'm doing. i've done absolutely nothing in my house. when i'm driving, i don't remember if that stoplight was red or green that i just went through. i had to pull over last night on my way home and breath. anxiety is taking over my system, and i can't control it. medication makes me so groggy i cannot function with it. its a lose/lose situation right now. i sleep nonstop, and i have to shower before i go to bed, because i wake up 5 minutes before i have to leave for work, thank god for mikey having to pee every morning, otherwise i'd never get up, and probably lose my job. i cry at the drop of a hat, fall asleep sitting up in a chair, and slack off on my responsibilities. a daily phone call from gareth is the only thing holding me together. i know my nutrition is okay, i had bloodwork done to check that. i'm assuming this is some serious depression that i can't pull out of.

broken

2005-06-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

i've sat at home tonight listening to songs to cover my pain, playing music that tries to convince myself otherwise. today was the hardest day of my life, and i've spent it all alone.

better together

2005-06-23T01:09:00.000-05:00

"Better Together"

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find there way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
But tomorrow night you see
That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find there way
Into my day to day scene
Ill be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree

Its always better when we're together
We're somewhere in between together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together.

thanks for jack johnson for singing what my heart is feeling..

2005-06-22T22:06:00.000-05:00

my mom calls with the news. "we're going to make him comfortable." i know what this means...its not long off. the nurse tells my mom, "thats the first time i've seen dr. constantino cry." the hospital bed is being put up in my grandparents house this week.... i've not been close to my grandpa, but he's always been a part of my life. my grandparents are very old fashioned, and i just haven't been able to share my life with them. i'm the granddaughter that shows up for family events, and makes the occasional phone call to see how things are going. i don't get a call to see how things are going, yet i feel the guilt of not having a relationship with them. i love my grandparents very much, i know things could have been different but efforts were not given. i don't know if i wish things were different, i just feel that i'm glad to have been able to get to know them as people in my life. i know it bothers my mom that i'm not close with them. i will be very sad when my grandparents are gone. i want my children to be as close to my parents as i am with them.

i'm having a bad day. period. gareth left yesterday and i'm miserable. he was here for a week, and it was so natural. i didn't want him to leave me. i finally got to see what being with someone you love should be like. i know he's the one i'm supposed to be with. we're going to do what we have to, i know this can work, it will take time. i don't want to rush this, mess it up, make him regret it. i feel bad that he will be coming here and moving away from his friends and family. i want him to know how important it is to me that he's making the right decision.

the last 7 years of my life are coming to an end tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm getting divorced. i'm having issues with this. i'm 27 years old, and divorced. only 50 something's get divorced. i always ask myself how did i let this happen, how could i have not known this wasn't the right thing to do. i keep telling myself if the last 7 years wouldn't have happened, i wouldn't be where i'm at now. i'm taking my maiden name back tomorrow. its mind boggling that i'm going to have a different identity tomorrow. different initials, different login at work, different drivers license number. i feel free. i'm back to the old me. like it never happened.

2005-05-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting at a friends house for lunch. he's a coworker of mine, whose recently become a really close friend. he came out to me that he was gay about a week ago, after knowing him for a year, and he's really become comfortable sharing that aspect of his life with me. we've hung out alot, and i've seen a completely different side of him. i see a gentle, loving and caring guy, and its nice to see that his boyfriend cares for him just as much. i've never really been friends with a gay couple before, it sure is a cool experience. we went out a couple of nights ago, and the gay bars are so different. its not the hetero "meat market" i'm used to, its a nice change.

endless things are running through my head, i'm having a lot of people over sunday night to hang out, its my first party since i've been living alone. i need to finish painting my livingroom before people come over. i've never been able to have "people come over to hang out" before, so this will be a first for me. i've always been embarrased to have people see where i live, i'm not sure why, my house is cute, its small, but cute. i just have this dream to have a big house and have it decorated nice and want people to see it, and not have to worry about someone randomly showing up and seeing what i live in.

work is going alot better fo me, i'm actually going to win a prize this month, its either an ipod or airline tickets. hopefully i get the tickets, i'd love to use them ot see gareth, or give them to him to fly here. i miss him terribly, i wish we weren't so far apart :( hopefully this time next year, we'll be together.

angels brought me here

2005-05-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes

My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you
My miracle

If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here

Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name

good times..

2005-05-18T23:51:00.000-05:00

You Know You're From Quad Cities When...

You know what the phone number is for "Car Dead Call Fred"!

You refer to the Mississippi River as "The River"

You have to watch the paper to see which bridge would be best to get across "The River", since they are all are being worked on

You know that Joes, Franks, Shortys, Clints, and Nancy's are not names, but pizza places

You know that Whities is an Ice Cream place, not a racial term

You know that South Park is the name of a mall, not a television show

You know that Daisy Dooks is off of I-280, not a character on a television show

You know that Tuxedos is not a place you rent one from

You will stand in line for over an hour to buy "sculpted concrete"

You know that Milan is not pronounced like the one that is the fashion capital of the world

You know that "Magic Mountain" refers to a meal, not an amusement park ride

You use the term "Palmer" as a familiar landmark

You don't crash into a low clearance bridge driving on Brady or Harrison street

You know that pork is THE white meat, not THE OTHER white meat

You have used the phrase, "stupid Iowan" or "go back to Illinois"!

You have to dial long distance to call someone within sight across the river, but dial a local number for someone twenty minutes away

You know that the coming of spring mean that the Rock River WILL flood. Your house WILL be under water, and you're ok with it.

You measure distance in minutes, not in miles

You know what Taco Pizza is

You THINK you know what four cities make up the Quad Cities. No one really knows.

You know what Evel Knievel sounds like when he's mad

You hear someone say, "I'm on Kimberly" and you do not think it is something sexual

You can pay $14 for a round of golf

You know that the Slider run refers to getting burgers, not to running a race

You cannot see a White Castle restaurant for hours

You can name 2 dorks!

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Quad Cities.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here

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Misako Anenokoji

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Andrea's Mexican Name Is...

Doña Ana

Get your Mexican Name!

Andrea's Star Wars Name and Title

Andrea's Star Wars Name: Andsc Comol

Andrea's Star Wars Title: Rekcho of Rebma

Get Your Star Wars Name and Title Here!

50 questions

2005-05-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

1. What is your name? Andrea Carolyn Schoemaker
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? lilac
3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Johnson
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 53
5. What was the last thing you ate? cheese
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? red
7. How is the weather right now? 72 degrees
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Amber
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex? facial expression
10. Favorite Food? my high school pizza
11. Favorite Drink? diet mt. dew
13. Favorite place to shop? Lane Bryant
14. Hair color: Blonde
15. Eye Color: Blue
16. Do you wear contacts? Yes
17. BEST FRIEND(s)?? Amber & Sara
18. Favorite Month? June
19. Favorite Fast Food? Uncle Pete's (greek)
20. Last Movie you Watched? Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
21. Favorite Day of the Year? Christmas
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? No
23. Summer or Winter? Summer
24. Hugs or Kisses? Kisses
25. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
26. Do you want your friends to respond back? Sure
27. Who is most likely to respond? Amber
28. Who is least likely to respond? not sure
29. What books are you reading? Nicholas Sparks
30. Piercings? Yes - ears
31. Fav. Movie? The Notebook
32. Fav. Team? um..
33. Fav. Hangout? my crib
34. Any Pets? Dog - Mikey
35. AIM or MSN? MSN
36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn? Butter!
37. Dogs or cats? Dogs
38. Favorite Flower? Tulip
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M.? nothing, i slap the snooze button about 50 times
40. Do you still talk to your best friends from intermediate school? Yep
41. What's on your desk? dvdr's, air freshener, cigarettes, peach schnapps, my favorite song i typed out and framed
42. Rock Concert or symphony? Concert
43. Play or Opera? Play
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Yep (my daddy is the biggest red-neck you'll ever meet)
45. Do you like to travel by plane? Yep
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right-handed
47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? Smooth
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 6
49. City and State you were born in? Moline, IL
50. Ever hitchhiked? Nope

alone

2005-05-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

i'm starting to come down from my high, i'm feeling incredeibly lonely. it was nice being by myself and finding who i was hiding inside of this body for some time, but now, i feel lost again. i left a part of me in canada, for someone else to keep until we are able to share it together. every morning i wake up and wish i could see a completely different atmosphere, another world, sharing it with another person. it hurts greatly to have this feeling....and there is nothing that can change that right now, no matter how bad i want it to change.
i've never felt this way before about someone. such a need to be near them, hear his voice, touch his face, see him from across a room. i don't know for sure when i'll be able to see gareth, i hope in july if we can figure it out. i wish it was tomorrow. i look at our pictures we took together 2 weekends ago, and it seems like only yesterday i could feel his arms around me. then i realize how far away he is, and wonder if he looks up at the sky like i do and sees the same moon that i see.
i am truly in love, and i know now what love is about. its having such an emotional attachment for someone, so unconditionally, passionately, and caring that nothing else matters. as crazy as it sounds, i want to share everything with him. it freaks me out how much i think about him, which is basically 24/7, and i have to talk myself down so i don't get upset that i can't be near him.
i know this will be a long process, its the waiting that is the hardest. i know i'm meant to be with him. i dream of us living together, eating dinner together, coming home and asking if he would like to watch a movie, sitting in our computer room together working on our own things...just being "together." we talk about our future, and it sounds so amazing, and so right.
here's what i love about gareth:
the way his dimples crease on his face when he smiles, the way he smiled at me during our first date, how patient he is with me when i get ready to go out, how much he loves his animals, when i hold his hand, the way he switches the grip so our fingers intertwine perfectly, when he looks at me my heart melts, the way he gently touches my face when he kisses me, how sensitive and caring he is, the way he talks to strangers with such compassion, how proud he was to speak to my parents, how important making decisions to better his life are to him, the fact that he has a close relationship with his family...do i need to go on? this guy is amazing. have i mentioned how much in love with him i am?

fate vs destiny

2005-05-12T05:22:00.000-05:00

my apologies for not blogging lately. i've been in la la land for the last week. its 5am on a thursday morning, can't sleep...wishing I was somewhere else..
ok..so, i've officially met the man of my dreams. seriously. no foo foo "i wish i could be with someone so i'll settle for him" kind of stuff, this is straight up everything i need from a man to share my life with. I really need to introduce him so I can stop referring to "him" in my blogs. His name is Gareth.
Fate #1: This whole relationship began about 7 years ago, when we first met without knowing it was him. damn, i said "him," however it was a valid place to say "him" so its ok :D I played Quake against him every wednesday night. We met on IRC in a chatroom 7 years later by my friend Amber messaging me and saying..."dude you totally need to talk to this guy he is so your type!" I laughed it off and apparently he got the same message from her, so we started to talk. We eventually ended up webcamming eachother, and I immediately felt something different about the situation. The moment he said his name was Gareth, I knew I'd fall for this guy. Every night since then, we ended up talking on the phone for at least 8 hours a day, sometimes 12-14 hours.
Fate #2: Gareth lives in Victoria, BC Canada, of which is my ABSOLUTE favorite place I've ever been. I told my mom 8 years ago when I first was there, "that place is my heaven," and when he said that is where he lived, I about died!
Fate #3: hmm, about 18 years ago, a psychic told me that the name, "Barry," would be of great importance in my life. I've only known 2 Barry's in my life since, one is a close family friend, the other someone I went to school with. Amber talks on IRC to someone named Barry, which ended up being one of Gareth's best friends, which is how Amber met up with Gareth in the first place, sees Gareth on cam, messages me, and thats how it begins.
When you talk with someone on IRC, its so hard to explain to someone who has never done it how much you learn about someone. I fell in love with Gareth after only a few days of talking with him, and the feeling was mutual on his end. We text messaged eachother daily from work, emailed nonstop like crazy, and I found myself taking mad pictures every single day, just because I wanted to share what my eyes see everyday. I came to realize, I want to share my entire life with Gareth. Everynight, we'd fall asleep with our phones laying under our ear, so we could hear eachother sleep, I'd wake up just to see him on cam laying there, wishing I could be laying next to him. I had a crappy webcam, so one night I went and bought a really nice one. so my surprise, it had a built in microphone and was SO much clearer. since it had a microphone built in, we stopped using the phones and just voice chatted with the cams.
After only talking to Gareth for a week, I knew I had to meet him. We worked out a plan for me to visit Victoria, however it was over 3 weeks away due to my work schedule. With my plane tickets purchased, I never wanted 3 weeks to come any sooner. I was so anxious to meet this person that I've been so intrigued by. I knew by the pictures he sent to me, I'd totally be into him, however, the way he looked didn't matter to me, I loved Gareth as a person.
two days until my trip, gareth calls my parents. this totally blew me away, for him to care enough and be genuinely concerned about how my parents felt about me flying to canada to spend a weekend with someone I've never met, completely impressed me, and my parents as well.
the day before I am due to leave, I can't even function. i'm so excited/nervous my stomach is in knots and i can't concentrate on anything. so this is an intro to the rest of my blog i'm sure. Gareth is going to take up alot of my further thoughts, I'll save my trip for the next blog ;)

ass-flu

2005-04-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

last night i go to dinner with my friends carmen and amber. we end up at Old Chicago

a pub/restaurant with semi "ass-flu" causing ingredients. i didn't seem to have a problem, however my shipmates seemed to have issues after we consumed the intoxicating meals.

we left dinner and immediately, amber felt the need to literally prairie dog it into walgreens to use the shitter, and felt the need to describe the matter coming out of her ass. thx that for btw...

we head to old navy to shop for some new digs, i find myself with an armload of clothes to try on while the other 2 sit and wait for me in the dressing room...

"hi my name is andrea and i'm here for my interview" i say, as i model a cute khaki skirt with white oxford and black jacket....amber laughs.

next is a cute summer strapless dress, i liked it, however the "twin girls upstairs" seemed to overpower the dress, and amber commented and called me ms. boob-a-liscious. damn i need a reduction!

anyway, so we end up at borders, where the ass-flu proceedings continue, and i find myself perusing through the fiction sale rack while i wait for the other two to finish dropping 10 lbs from dinner.

i end up buying 3 paperbacks, 2 of them are from Nicholas Sparks, the author of "The Notebook", the other buy a latina writer's book called "The Dirty Girl's Social Club"..I started reading that one today...couldn't put it down, good read.

work sucked today, went by fast though. i'm so tired of the same call one after the other...

its either..."i'm calling because i can't pay my phonebill cause my baby daddy spent the money with his dealer and left me high and dry to take care of the baby and i can't afford diapers..blah blah blah.."

or

"why is my phone bill $300 this month!?" ....my reply is always, "well it could have alot to do with the 50+ collect calls from a correctional facility..."

i swear, all i talk to are pieces of crap who expect everything for free. i would never dare call up my phone company and complain about something i legitimately used or ordered. anyway, there's my rant for the day!

goin to the tidley tonight, should be fun. taking camera as always ;)

free ipod?

2005-04-26T22:06:00.000-05:00

ok so i didn't believe it at first, i was reading in one of my forums about getting a free ipod online. i asked my brother about it, and he actually did it and got one! apparently you need to go and sign up for a trial membership to a sponsoring company, and you then can cancel the membership and it counts as a fulfilled membership to the site to get a free ipod. you have to have 5 completed referrals and they ship it out to you! how cool is that?

of course they make a killing on this, i recently found out that the sponsoring companies pay nearly $90 to the site for each membership, betting on the fact that people don't cancel their memberships. i signed up for the blockbuster online membership, you put your credit card and stuff on it, and it has a VERY easy cancellation link...

here's the info...
1. click here to get my referral

2. register at the site

3. choose blockbuster online

4. fill out info, name address (make it all legit) credit card#

5. wait a day cause you get like 5 free rentals for joining, coupons are in your account immediately to print out :D

6. to cancel...login to blockbuster.com and click "sign in" at top, enter email and passwd

7. up at top under "my account" click on that, under "account details - Online Membership" area click "cancel"

8. to get your free ipod, go to www.freeipods.com and login with the email and pass you created, then click on "refer friends" it gives you a link, just give that out to people to sign up and WAH-LAH!

hello stranger

2005-04-21T13:53:00.000-05:00

well, its been a few days since i've posted. not sure why. lets see....

monday i worked all day, met up with my friend Sara at a bridal store, i got to see her wedding dress she has picked out for the first time. she looked so beautiful in it :) i am so lucky to be her maid of honor.

they are getting married in florida on the beach at sunset, how freakin romantic is that!? i am so happy for her! Brent *fiancee* is such a great guy and they be great together.

Here's some pics of some dresses we looked at...

sat & sun

2005-04-17T18:59:00.000-05:00

i ended up going over to a friends house saturday night and watching the ultimate fighting pay per view. there was about 10 people there, we drank and i made numerous comments about how i thought wrestling was actually an outlet for closet gay men. i just don't see the want in any straight man to roll around and beat the crap out of eachother. the way i see it, they want to be close and feel a man, and then get angry at their feelings about it, and hit the guy. heh
the other side i don't understand, it the want to get the shit kicked out of you. i mean seriously, why proactively go into a ring and risk losing your life just for an adrenaline high? their ears are so gross too, from all of the cartilage being broken down, the califlower look just isn't working out.....
i got extremely intoxicated, came home, and realized how stupid i was for driving home. yes, its only 10 blocks, but i could have had something bad happen. i cannot continue to do that :) thanks gareth ;)

today is sunday, a really nice day outside, i would say around 85 degrees out. i went to my parents house to have dinner. i talked to my mom about my trip to canada a little more in depth, and we had a good conversation. i also downloaded limewire for her and showed her how to download porn. bad thing is, it wasn't weird. heh

we played outside with the dogs for a while and took some pictures.

night at the tidley tap

2005-04-16T01:12:00.001-05:00

omg so much fun tonight, we had alot of people in our group.

girls

me and amber showed up fashionably late, so the place was full when we got there. we met up with mike and steph and his doctor friends, kim and wendy. i started drinking before we left so i was half shitfaced by the time we got there.

us

mike rocked the house with his many renditions, kim sang "i will survive"...nicely done girl. amber sang a nice britney ditty...as always brought down the house. me and amber sang "goodbye earl" by the dixie chicks, a nice little tribute.

i got so drunk tonight, we drank pitchers of miller lite all night long. not sure how, somehow i made it out of there without spending any of my own money hahah :)

drunk ass

mike's a pimp now, he handed amber $15 and said, "here, i made $10,000 today"..he's a loan officer and he took out the doctors tonight that he did the loans for. thats our mikey!

w00h00 i r0x0r!

2005-04-15T19:02:00.000-05:00

today i got an award at work, the managers made a big fuss over it all coming to my desk and presenting it to me, total embarrassment. apparently a customer wrote a letter to SBC that rocked, and told how wonderful and stuff I was, it impressed SBC Corporate enough to where they had my name engraved in a glass statuette and the CEO signed it thanking me, pretty cool, if only that came with a monetary bonus! kind of lets you know your making a difference and it goes appreciated....

i'm gonna go out tonight with some friends to our usual bar, the tidley! its the usual friday night drunk fest in the smallest bar ever! we have a blast though, we get wasted and sing karaoke like we're on american idol and stuff.

licking mike

our friend mike rocks! he was going to go to st louis to try out, but his wife was pregnant at the time and was going to deliver any day :( next time mikey! i'll be rooting for you! i'll definently be taking pics tonight so i'll upload when i get home :D

good times..

2005-04-15T09:07:00.000-05:00

yesterday was my day off,so that was cool. i went into work to 2 hours in the afternoon. i met up with amber after work and we went to Michael's craft store, i got some stuff to work on my scrapbook for my trip. we were big dorks and laughed through the isles.

andrea boa

$50 later......we went to Chili's to eat dinner.

chili's

corn hole

the waiter immediately gave me crap about the drink i originally ordered, saying they weren't very good. i ended up drinking 4 beers and getting totally drunk. he ended up sitting with us at our table talking the whole night between his tables...apparently we're fun. we leave dinner and end up in a traffic jam for like an hour it seemed. amber kept calling me from her cell phone teling me how bad she was going to crap her pants. we had this spicy bean dip and chips at dinner, and it wasn't going too well for her. i had to talk her through it, luckily she made it home clean.

surprise

2005-04-13T20:06:00.000-05:00

i'm totally melting today. sitting at my desk at work, getting yelled at by a customer, and i feel a tap on my shoulder. i turn around and there's a beautiful bouqet of flowers right in front of me. the smell instantly hits me..mmmm so amazing.

bouqet

card

i completely ignore for 5 minutes what the customer on the phone is saying, i'm in total awe. i instantly give my camera to my pod-mate to take a picture. i was grinning from ear to ear.

smile

smile2

thank you so much gareth. you have no idea how you made me feel. just knowing that you thought enough to send me those, makes you a wonderful man. you make me feel special, loved, beautiful, and wanted. for that i am so grateful. nobody has ever done what you have...

reflections on current self

2005-04-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

way to work

i do most of my thinking on the way to work. this morning was exceptionally good. i had to take a picture, i knew i was glowing. i thought about how happy i am right now. how i'm finally coming into myself, finding what i want to be. looking forward to sharing "me" with someone else. thats always been hard for me. i like who i'm becoming, i can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

voice mail from afar

2005-04-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

i got a voicemail on my cell phone today from my brother, apparently my sister-in-law is having surgery. he didn't give much info, kind of generic, so i called right back. i knew nothing of this surgery, he leaves me out of the loop in his busy life. i miss him terribly. hmf, so i call and he's too busy to talk, like usual. i quickly ask whats going on with J, my sister-in-law, apparently she was having a procedure done.
i know my brother would be a good father, i see him how he acts with his friend George's son, Austin, and its adorable. http://www.austinschaeffer.com Jeremy made that site for him, and bought him the digital camera. so funny.

J and Jeremy
jeremy met his wife on the internet. she's a great person, they fit together well. they have live really figured out at the moment, at least from my point of view. jeremy has his own online company, j's an anethesiologist who was recently hired at a new hospital in lincoln, ne. she puts jeremy in his place, what he's always needed. they just bought a new house at her new location, and are now trying to beoome parents. i'm just worried about him, he's really concerned with material things and money. i always feel like everytime i talk to him, everything else is more important. he's always "too busy" to talk to me. i hope he hasn't forgotten his roots, and where he comes from.
i dunno, i come from a simple family, we weren't extremely wealthy, my parents made good money, but they didn't over-do it. they were smart in their investments, now both retired, living well.
i miss my brother, he's lived in Nebraska for like 3 years now it seems....i've only visited him two times. he used to come home alot, he does his own thing, i know he hates it here, but its where the rest of his family is. maybe i'll visit him next weekend, its a 5 hour drive, but worth seeing him and J. he's a brilliant person, knows tons about technology and computers, but has such a knack for business. he's done very well for himself, especially since when he was younger, i'm sure would have been voted "least likely to succeed", i'm glad he proved everyone wrong. now i'm the one to get that award in the family it seems. the roles have been reversed.....i've been somewhat of a disappoint to my brother. he said he put me on a pedastol (sp?) and i've fallen off. hmm...that sucks, i'm sorry. i'm working on it, i'd like to be back up there again. not just for him, but for myself.

he's made me very proud to call him my brother. i remember when he had his apartment, it was a total shithole, and he'd pay me and my friends to clean it for him. i joked around with him a little while back, when he started making alot of money, "don't forget who paid your rent" i said....he forgot, and said i never did. i remember.

relief

2005-04-12T13:52:00.000-05:00

i thought i had lost something so dear to me. the moment when your heart sinks into your chest, the feeling of loss and heartbreak came over me. another person having such an effect on you is amazing, and something i haven't felt before. anxiously awaiting for the next words to come out, not knowing if good or bad....its good..whew...okay, relief....

i feel important, like i'm worth fighting for, the first time in my life.

i have a secret

2005-04-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

my past brings me back to my future head on. i hide, i allow..i trust. history is repeated on a daily basis. the damage is haunting, shame and guilt kick in, and i'm a piece of shit. a secret, to be kept hidden and out of view, why should i be hidden. do i not deserve to be shown..? am i just being selfish, yes i am.

i'm a vision of happiness, a want, a need for another. i don't want this to be an issue, i've dealt with being second all my life. with the advice of a dear friend..."you're the one who has to put you first." i have to take control of my life. i deserve what i want.

even in a marriage, i was told i'm not a priority. 1. kids 2. family 3. me i need to be a priority. being told your second, hell , maybe third, that hurts. i don't want to feel that again, i've already been there, done that. being told your not worthy enough for sacrifice..especially when i sacrifice myself entirely for the sake of others disappointment.

my past slaps me in the face. you dumbass. wake up. why aren't you fighting for what you want. i fight against myself, defending others actions with my own needs. trying to rationalize the situation, continuing to allow the circumstances to continue.

i want to be wanted. i want to be the only one whose wanted. i want to be important.

what will it take for me to believe someone could want me more than anyone else?

it all comes down to self worth. i've been told "You have to tell yourself I am worth this.. I will not back down. I am a fucking catch and someone will be lucky to have me. It's not cocky, it's not egotistical, it's called putting yourself first."

learning to love yourself is like learning to ride a bike. its easy to fall off, give up and accept you can't do it. i'm still wearing the training wheels. and a helmet. shaking as i ride along, scared to fall off.

realizing that i've allowed myself to settle for less than i deserve is a kick in the ass.

for this, i'm going after what i want, not what i settle for. i deserve to be happy. no matter the disappointment, resentment, failure, consequences....i'm going for it. i'm getting back on the bike and kicking its ass. ok, i feel better now.

exploring

2005-04-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

i had today off work, so instead of wasting countless hours in front of my pc, i went for a walk, and experienced nature. i really enjoy photography, mostly of the outdoors, and portraits. i think i like taking pictures because it gives me a chance to reflect on certain times in my life. it makes me remember exactly what i was seeing at that time.

flowers

flower

wind chime

hosta

bird feeder

we belong together

2005-04-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

you ever hear a song...and it hits you, thats EXACTLY how you are feeling at the moment...and you feel this burning in your chest, an overwhelming warmth, you close your eyes, and think, "yes, this is me..." you hear a verse that you feel almost like you wrote the song.....

Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
Cause I didn't know you
Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
We belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Saying to me
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute
This is too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
It ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you in my life

then the next song comes on, and its a flood of emotions, it keeps happening, every verse hits you, every word reminds you of a direct feeling..
music is my medication, a way to heal my soul. if i'm feeling down, i listen to a song. i break it down, line by line. it helps me realize i'm not the only one feeling that way...and there's a light ahead. it validates my concerns, impressions, assumptions, and threats. i begin to memorize the words as my own. applying lyrics to a simple conversation. music is soothing, the chords, harmony, beat..like a human body, they all work together to make a single element.

looking ahead

2005-04-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

sitting here, i'm wondering whats in store for me. what is my true destiny? all i can think of are my dreams, my wants, and if they will truly happen. do i deserve to be happy, do i deserve to get everything i dream of? what have i given to this life to get any rewards? do i still have to continue to give and think nothing will be returned? its scary, people are happy. i was once. will it happen again? or will life tease me until i die...dangling opportunities in my face, just to see my reaction. life is a book of chapters, i've closed 2 already, but how many are left....am i living a short story, or a novel...i have yet to figure that out. childhood is so innocent, no worries, only care is wondering if the popluar girls will accept you, and invite you to their slumber party. looking now, adulthood can be that slumber party, finding where you fit in, feeling accepted. finding your "niche" and what your meant to be. who knew 5th grade was a living metaphor...?

i'm lost...i've found a want. but i can't have it. not yet anyway. an overwhelming need to be with someone, that i can't even touch, see, smell, feel, hear laugh, watch how their mouth moves when they speak... i think of the little things i yearn for.... buying groceries and only thinking of them and what they'd want to eat, filling my car with gas and wondering if they needed a snack from inside the store, seeing a shirt at the mall, and wondering if they'd like to have it.
only communication is text and voice, i crave touch, a whole different communication. expression of affection, "i am into you, i like you, you make me feel good" type of words with no sound. a kiss on the forehead says "i adore you", a touch of a hand says "i need you", a deep kiss says "i want you"

this is a simple desire, my destiny will be fulfilled, i know it. its something i can't control, things are already in place for me. i just have to live the role, and watch it happen. we were given free will, but i think 2 decisions were put in front of us, and each has a different path drawn out, but in the end, they meet, and each path was a different learning experience.

i'm living my life as if i won't be here tomorrow. taking every moment in and analyzing it to the fullest. finding the "FAB"....an expression at work, but it carries in life....whats the "feature, application, and benefit"

a need to forget

2005-04-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

so i get a random message from my past.....of what i thought was long overwith, and dismissed, let go of. he was someone i had dated when i was 18, i was the secondhand girl. i allowed myself to accept the only time with him to be late night phone calls, and late night visits. i never met his friends, and i was hidden away just for his keeping and pleasure. it was almost an infatuation, however, it was also the first guy that gave me attention, and i ran with it. we played quake together, listened to the same music, and laughed together, but i was always awoken at 5am and shoo'd out the door before anyone noticed i was there....
after i got seperated from tom, we met up very randomly again 6 years later. we spent actual daylight together, very different than before. he is a extremely selfish person, but still the same person i knew back then. i took him back into my life, he was always the person i thought of as my "what if"... and i never got any closer on our past. i guess i just needed some reaffirmation that there were feelings there or not? we spent about a month seeing eachother, and things began to turn into the past. he'd only call me at night when he was drunk, wanting to come over, i'd call during the day, he wouldn't answer. he'd show up at my house wanting to stay the night, just laying next to me. we were intimate one time, and it was odd. i didn't feel anything for him, i shouldn't have been there. thats when i started to pull away. i told him things aren't working out for me, and its not fair to keep going with it. that night i saw a different person in him, he raged on me, called me names, completely disrespecting me. i had to hang up the phone. he's called ever since, and i never answer or return his calls. i can't be treated like that, from anyone, anymore. now he's regretting what he's done. i have a hard time forgetting, and i let things store inside me and continually remind myself of what i don't want.
i can't talk to him anymore. even a hello. i feel disgusted that he could treat me like that. and i feel dumb that i put myself in that position to be made to feel like that.
reading the message below, i became very angry. why do people realize things after its too late?
words from him no longer matter to me, nor have any emotional effect but to upset and anger me that he's still trying.....

"hey i just wanted to say hopefully a couple of things.. i don't have your email so here it goes.

i'm sorry that things didn't work out, after stepping back and really looking at things it was a real tall order. a lot was excepted of me at a turn around pace. the sad thing on my part is that i felt like i waited 5 years for that chance, and your right i wasn't the best person that i could be for you.
i was scared to death everything was happening so fast. and you felt that i didn't treat you the way you needed to be. look it all came out from left field. i don't think its fair to put me and tom in the same light. i understand you went thru a lot and i never tried covering that up. i wanted to change for you i wanted to be there for you every morning with mikey lying there. it just takes time for me, i haven't trusted a female since jen. and i'm glad that you took me in with open arms but damn, it was so something i never excepted.
i know you've written me off, and my pure fustration with myself and not really making the best ouf of a chance to be with you has certainly shown through. and i'm sorry for that. i really am, that night i got upset is i was changing for you. i wanted to be there for you. to hold you. i was changing my life so that my friends would understand. people look up to me or see me as the leader. its hard just to step away from certain aspects of my life. but i was trying. and i had done much to change my life for you. so yes i got upset. and i'm sorry for that, and i believe i always will be but i needed to say this, because i don't think i was cast in a fair light. i love you.. i always will love you. i have never stopped thinking about you or your well being and your family has been on my mind. maybe its easier to write things off now, maybe you can reconsider your feelings. but i can't. i will be a man and take this one on the chin. but i won't ever stop loving you and i want you to know that. if it means anything to you i'm not sure.
you gave me the courage to stand back up and get my life straightened out, and i've done that lately. i got a new car, i quit beating myself up for the past. i am starting a new chapter in my life, because of you. just you being there was all i needed. and i just wish i could of gave back to you. because you have done so much for me, because you mean so much to me. its just hard to let it all go.
i wanted to say this all in person, but i'm never going to get that chance, and as much as i want to, i can't bring myself to show up at your house uninvited. and maybe that might seem that i won't fight for you. thats not true. i just know you don't want me there and i feel i have to respect that. i know you won't call or talk to me. but i will always be here, doing my thing trying to better myself like i was 5 years ago. and hoping that you'll come back, and you'll see me for what i am. not what you you've casted me as.
all i can say now, is that i love you.. that a moment goes by where i don't think about you. and thank you for giving me the push to stand back up.. i stood back up for you. so that i could give us better things. maybe you've seen it from a different view. but that viewpoint is true. all the unanswered phone calls, i could of taken those many ways but i've NEVER given up on you. people are going to have their differences no matter how much love is there. there is LOVE there.. how many other people can say that they experience that?
how many people can say that their was someoone waiting for them 5 years later?
not many, not many at all.....
i'm sorry that you have written me off to such a degree.. i'm sorry that i can't be there for you, to cheer you up to put my arms around you. to fight with mikey. i made mistakes, i should of been there i was just nervous. and i have my faults. everyone does. nobody is perfect. but my love is unshakened for you and i'm sorry you never saw that

just please don't go back to that asshole .. if i can ask one thing of you thats what i would ask. be who you want to be. do the things that you want. thats all i wanted to do is watch you become that person, not that your not wonderful as it is.. but i wanted to be a part of that.

maybe one day, you'll run into me. and we'll say hi again. maybe you'll move on and we can't really go back .. and i'm sure thats a real possiblity. just do me one favor. you don't have say anything.. just look into my eyes.. watch how they soften.. you'll see love there.. unshakened love..
i just wished we could of talked.. i'm trying to meet all my mistakes head on. but i'm here for you and i always will be. i hold no grudges or anything of that nature. i know you won't call but i just wish you would. but you know whats best for you and being away from me is your stance and i respect that stance.
just been listening to sarah mclachlan the last couple weeks.. its almost a push for me as much as it depresses me. and i leave you with this..
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do, the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do."

** how dare he think he can bring this back, AND use sarah mclachlan to express himself. ugh, its almost sickening. i can only move forward, take it in, and continue living. my life is so much better without this drama..**

so it begins...

2005-04-10T14:04:00.000-05:00

about 8 years ago, i played Quake, an online game, and traveled all over the country playing in tournaments, meeting new people, and countless hotel rooms with ethernet cables running down the hallways.

PMS-Raven
this is me at a tournament in louisville kentucky...that was a fun time in my life, but it was very immature. i had no cares, worked part time, went to school, and on the weekends played as PMS-Raven, my alternate being. i've been known as Raven ever since, almost like its my new founded identity. i started getting interested in computers, learning how to build, fix, upgrade, etc. it brought me to working at an internet provider, doing tech support, learning so much. i found some great relationships there, my brother also worked there at the time doing tech support, but he could do so much better. i eventually moved on to work at a computer store, then started some independant consulting. all this time, acting like i'm enjoying college and telling myself, yes, you will graduate. well, that never happened. i convinced myself and my parents that i am learning way more out in the field than i would in a classroom, which was so true. being 19 and having freedom is a mother fucker, especially when you make good money and know something about something that matters. while most of your friends are in their dorm rooms 3 hours away, getting drunk everynight and sleeping with frat boys, i found myself waking up at 7am and having a career. not sure if that was good or bad....

tom
i met tom on march 20, 1999 at amber and keith's house. that night truly changed my life forever. it was an instant attraction on both ends, however he was married at the time. i had never had a serious boyfriend, and if i remember correctly, only kissed 2 people at that point. there was something different about him, not sure if it was the "challenge" part of it, or if it was truly where i was supposed to be. instant friendship turned into more, and he was going through a seperation at the time with his wife, who was 9 months pregnant. being the young nieve person i was, i didn't see a problem with that. tom was cute, charming, funny, and made me very curious. i've never felt that before, someone who intrigued me so much, i'd do anything to talk to. the night we met, we left to go and buy beer for everyone. what should have been a 15 drive, turned into 2 hours. i knew him, i could read him, i knew his thoughts, his wants and needs immediately, and i told him that, and he found it very interesting. we talked about so many things most people talk about in a year that night. when we got back, we didn't stay long, we ended up leaving at that same time, and was caught at a stoplight @ 2 a.m., nobody else around. he looked over at me and said, "you know i didn't get my wish tonight" i turned to him through the passenger window and said, "so why dont' you then?" so he gets out of his car, leans through my window and we have our first kiss.......
we found ourselves calling eachother everyday, almost an obsession. we hid our relationship for many months, just due to the fact of his situation. i hate myself for that. he was still living with his "wife" in the same house, in the basement, sort of a roommate situation until he could get out on his feet. one night we were chatting online, and he left the window open on accident, it was the first night he told me he had fallen in love with me. now i think it was left open on purpose, hoping she'd see it, and she did. we planned to meet at his business and have dinner, while we were there, we heard a knock on the door....it was her. that was the beginning of my hell for the last 5 years......
his second daughter was born on may 26th, and i waited for him to call from the hospital. it was as if i was a friend to both of them that day, but i was not wanted. i wonder what the atmosphere was like in the delivery room, if he held her hand through it, encouraged her, gave her coaching, kissed her forehead when she was in pain, i still don't know, at that time i didn't care, i was dumb..so very dumb. being seperated from eachother, her knowing about me, and bringing a daughter into the world created out of love from a night of lust. i saw camryn 3 days later when he stopped over to show her off. tom got a house to rent, and i was able to spend more time alone with him. most of our time together was with friends, of which had no idea about our relationship. we would hide behind doorways and bathrooms, and passionately kiss eachother, not knowing when our next meeting would occur. once he got his house, i still hid. from what i don't know. i allowed myself to become a secret. this kept on for 6 months, any slight noise i'd freak out, hide in a closet, thinking it was his wife, their divorce was not final yet, and i did feel horrible for being in that position, but i couldn't stay away. she would drop off the kids, and i'd be hiding in the other room, she didn't know i was there. however, i was encouraged to hide by him, i should have seen that coming. a year passed, and we got an apartment together. he was paying crazy child support, i was working 2 jobs, one of which was waitressing, and i was exhausted at the end of the day. he didn't make very good money, i always paid for all the bills, and was the one to sacrifice to make it happen. arguments began to occur, late night yelling and crying, turned into attempting to leave the apartment, but being barracaded and not let out. he never hurt me physically, but the emotional pain was just as bad. tom was a very jealous, controlling person, i was very innocent, young, submissive and nieve. i loved him, and would do anything for him, and now, its just another jerry springer episode looking back. he managed to say the right things, make me forgive him, and i'd move on. we did have many good times, but the bad seemed to overturn them. i didn't talk to my friends, family, anyone. i was put in a box to hide away from the world, that was his controlling nature. it happened over time, without me realizing what was happening. i lost many friends for him, i didn't care then. hey, i had him.. right..thats all i needed....

engagement photo

i got engaged to tom after we'd been together 2 years. i remember we had a huge fight that day, arguing outside his business..he asks me to go for a ride with him, it was pouring down rain. i get in the car, crying, looking out the window, avoiding any eye contact with him..thinking to myself, i hate my life, i'm not happy. he drives to the intersection where we had our first kiss. its 8pm in the evening, in a driving rain, very dark outside. i can still remember how loud the rain was hitting the car..
he gets out, walks around the car, opens my door, and i look down, and he's on one knee in the pouring rain, soaking wet, holding a black box. i just stare at him, not sure what to do. he spills his undying love for me, tells me he realizes things haven't been good, that he wants things to get better....basically everything i needed to hear at the moment. and then he asks me to be his wife. i say yes. i said yes to my dream, yes, to wanting to be happy, and sharing a life with someone. but did i say yes to "him"....i never thought about that until now.

tom's daughters from his previous marriage..

emily camryn

emily (now 7) and camryn (now 5) those girls were like my own. i had camryn in my life since she was born. i watched her grow up into a beautiful girl. i taught emily how to ride her bike. i taught camryn how to scrapbook. i taught both of them the right way to "wash their girl parts" in the shower. those are things a mom does, i am so glad i had that opportunity to be in their lives, and somehow make them who they are today. they are very intelligent, both of them accepted into accelerated schools for the gifted. i am so proud of them. i took on the role as "mom" probably too much, i was the room mother for their classroom parties, i also was vice president of their school's pta. their mom completely resented me for that, but she didnt want to bother with those things...she's a whole different story. she hates me.

i spent a year planning our wedding, 9/28/02, all for one day. my parents spent assloads of money on things. i did have a beautiful wedding.

wedding

i was happy on that day. all of my friends and family were together, showing their support towards me.

looking back, i remember my father coming into my brideroom before the ceremony and looking at me.

dad before wedding

he began to cry, his baby getting married, someone taking me away from him. he takes my hand and asks me.."are you sure this is what you want"..without hesitation i answer, "yes." why did he ask me that? did he know something i didn't...?

me & tom

this is the last picture that i remember being happy with tom. it was taken at my brother's wedding, may 22, 2003. i had talked to my brother about not being happy, and thats when i thought about filing for a divorce.

tom's father passed away on may 31st. he'd been struggling with cancer for a year, and i had the unwanted honor of being with him when he passed. somehow i couldn't be the next to be gone from tom's life. i pushed away the thoughts of divorce for the sake of hurting him. not taking how i felt seriously...

grand opening..

2005-04-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

hm so this is my blog. i'm excited about it, not sure what to write for my first post. life is good, weather outside is beautiful, birds chirping, its all good. i'm still wondering where to take this journal...deep thoughts, or random things..hmm probably both, here goes nothing... :)

ETA to Destiny

Planetandrea.com

poutine

hApPy BiRtHdAy!

goodbye gomboo..hopefully

you're on my mind

gomboo day #3

got the gomboo

lighthouse

wedding photos

new links

things to do when bored #2

things to do when bored #1

fav song of the moment Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie

fishing

ok so i'm bored....

daily horoscope

crazy

hi from Nebraska

on the road again

New Pictures

Bank Pole Fishing

new pictures

ahhhhhhhhhh

welcome to the jungle

my fortune

why didn't i think of this?

the sky up there

arg not another one..

mother of all catfish

take a ride on the andrea express

sunburn!!

burp, charlie burp! *spoiler*

pour some sugar on me

addiction

please God no!!!!!

chocolate flavored kisses

Shout Out

Best Dog Ever

hell yeah

I'm a good kisser!

Part Freaky Kisser

Part Passionate Kisser

Picture Pages

new pictures

Pet Insurance

countdown

Fishing with my dad

Picture Pages Club

organization

ugh.

unwritten

one of these again...

a gift

ms brightside

sanity

this is just a test

foggy

broken

better together

angels brought me here

good times..

50 questions

alone

fate vs destiny

ass-flu

free ipod?

hello stranger

sat & sun

night at the tidley tap

w00h00 i r0x0r!

good times..

surprise

reflections on current self

voice mail from afar

relief

i have a secret

exploring

we belong together

looking ahead

burp, charlie burp! spoiler