so it begins...
about 8 years ago, i played Quake, an online game, and traveled all over the country playing in tournaments, meeting new people, and countless hotel rooms with ethernet cables running down the hallways.
PMS-Raven
this is me at a tournament in louisville kentucky...that was a fun time in my life, but it was very immature. i had no cares, worked part time, went to school, and on the weekends played as PMS-Raven, my alternate being. i've been known as Raven ever since, almost like its my new founded identity. i started getting interested in computers, learning how to build, fix, upgrade, etc. it brought me to working at an internet provider, doing tech support, learning so much. i found some great relationships there, my brother also worked there at the time doing tech support, but he could do so much better. i eventually moved on to work at a computer store, then started some independant consulting. all this time, acting like i'm enjoying college and telling myself, yes, you will graduate. well, that never happened. i convinced myself and my parents that i am learning way more out in the field than i would in a classroom, which was so true. being 19 and having freedom is a mother fucker, especially when you make good money and know something about something that matters. while most of your friends are in their dorm rooms 3 hours away, getting drunk everynight and sleeping with frat boys, i found myself waking up at 7am and having a career. not sure if that was good or bad....
tom
i met tom on march 20, 1999 at amber and keith's house. that night truly changed my life forever. it was an instant attraction on both ends, however he was married at the time. i had never had a serious boyfriend, and if i remember correctly, only kissed 2 people at that point. there was something different about him, not sure if it was the "challenge" part of it, or if it was truly where i was supposed to be. instant friendship turned into more, and he was going through a seperation at the time with his wife, who was 9 months pregnant. being the young nieve person i was, i didn't see a problem with that. tom was cute, charming, funny, and made me very curious. i've never felt that before, someone who intrigued me so much, i'd do anything to talk to. the night we met, we left to go and buy beer for everyone. what should have been a 15 drive, turned into 2 hours. i knew him, i could read him, i knew his thoughts, his wants and needs immediately, and i told him that, and he found it very interesting. we talked about so many things most people talk about in a year that night. when we got back, we didn't stay long, we ended up leaving at that same time, and was caught at a stoplight @ 2 a.m., nobody else around. he looked over at me and said, "you know i didn't get my wish tonight" i turned to him through the passenger window and said, "so why dont' you then?" so he gets out of his car, leans through my window and we have our first kiss.......
we found ourselves calling eachother everyday, almost an obsession. we hid our relationship for many months, just due to the fact of his situation. i hate myself for that. he was still living with his "wife" in the same house, in the basement, sort of a roommate situation until he could get out on his feet. one night we were chatting online, and he left the window open on accident, it was the first night he told me he had fallen in love with me. now i think it was left open on purpose, hoping she'd see it, and she did. we planned to meet at his business and have dinner, while we were there, we heard a knock on the door....it was her. that was the beginning of my hell for the last 5 years......
his second daughter was born on may 26th, and i waited for him to call from the hospital. it was as if i was a friend to both of them that day, but i was not wanted. i wonder what the atmosphere was like in the delivery room, if he held her hand through it, encouraged her, gave her coaching, kissed her forehead when she was in pain, i still don't know, at that time i didn't care, i was dumb..so very dumb. being seperated from eachother, her knowing about me, and bringing a daughter into the world created out of love from a night of lust. i saw camryn 3 days later when he stopped over to show her off. tom got a house to rent, and i was able to spend more time alone with him. most of our time together was with friends, of which had no idea about our relationship. we would hide behind doorways and bathrooms, and passionately kiss eachother, not knowing when our next meeting would occur. once he got his house, i still hid. from what i don't know. i allowed myself to become a secret. this kept on for 6 months, any slight noise i'd freak out, hide in a closet, thinking it was his wife, their divorce was not final yet, and i did feel horrible for being in that position, but i couldn't stay away. she would drop off the kids, and i'd be hiding in the other room, she didn't know i was there. however, i was encouraged to hide by him, i should have seen that coming. a year passed, and we got an apartment together. he was paying crazy child support, i was working 2 jobs, one of which was waitressing, and i was exhausted at the end of the day. he didn't make very good money, i always paid for all the bills, and was the one to sacrifice to make it happen. arguments began to occur, late night yelling and crying, turned into attempting to leave the apartment, but being barracaded and not let out. he never hurt me physically, but the emotional pain was just as bad. tom was a very jealous, controlling person, i was very innocent, young, submissive and nieve. i loved him, and would do anything for him, and now, its just another jerry springer episode looking back. he managed to say the right things, make me forgive him, and i'd move on. we did have many good times, but the bad seemed to overturn them. i didn't talk to my friends, family, anyone. i was put in a box to hide away from the world, that was his controlling nature. it happened over time, without me realizing what was happening. i lost many friends for him, i didn't care then. hey, i had him.. right..thats all i needed....
engagement photo
i got engaged to tom after we'd been together 2 years. i remember we had a huge fight that day, arguing outside his business..he asks me to go for a ride with him, it was pouring down rain. i get in the car, crying, looking out the window, avoiding any eye contact with him..thinking to myself, i hate my life, i'm not happy. he drives to the intersection where we had our first kiss. its 8pm in the evening, in a driving rain, very dark outside. i can still remember how loud the rain was hitting the car..
he gets out, walks around the car, opens my door, and i look down, and he's on one knee in the pouring rain, soaking wet, holding a black box. i just stare at him, not sure what to do. he spills his undying love for me, tells me he realizes things haven't been good, that he wants things to get better....basically everything i needed to hear at the moment. and then he asks me to be his wife. i say yes. i said yes to my dream, yes, to wanting to be happy, and sharing a life with someone. but did i say yes to "him"....i never thought about that until now.
tom's daughters from his previous marriage..
emily camryn
emily (now 7) and camryn (now 5) those girls were like my own. i had camryn in my life since she was born. i watched her grow up into a beautiful girl. i taught emily how to ride her bike. i taught camryn how to scrapbook. i taught both of them the right way to "wash their girl parts" in the shower. those are things a mom does, i am so glad i had that opportunity to be in their lives, and somehow make them who they are today. they are very intelligent, both of them accepted into accelerated schools for the gifted. i am so proud of them. i took on the role as "mom" probably too much, i was the room mother for their classroom parties, i also was vice president of their school's pta. their mom completely resented me for that, but she didnt want to bother with those things...she's a whole different story. she hates me.
i spent a year planning our wedding, 9/28/02, all for one day. my parents spent assloads of money on things. i did have a beautiful wedding.
wedding
i was happy on that day. all of my friends and family were together, showing their support towards me.
looking back, i remember my father coming into my brideroom before the ceremony and looking at me.
dad before wedding
he began to cry, his baby getting married, someone taking me away from him. he takes my hand and asks me.."are you sure this is what you want"..without hesitation i answer, "yes." why did he ask me that? did he know something i didn't...?
me & tom
this is the last picture that i remember being happy with tom. it was taken at my brother's wedding, may 22, 2003. i had talked to my brother about not being happy, and thats when i thought about filing for a divorce.
tom's father passed away on may 31st. he'd been struggling with cancer for a year, and i had the unwanted honor of being with him when he passed. somehow i couldn't be the next to be gone from tom's life. i pushed away the thoughts of divorce for the sake of hurting him. not taking how i felt seriously...
PMS-Raven
this is me at a tournament in louisville kentucky...that was a fun time in my life, but it was very immature. i had no cares, worked part time, went to school, and on the weekends played as PMS-Raven, my alternate being. i've been known as Raven ever since, almost like its my new founded identity. i started getting interested in computers, learning how to build, fix, upgrade, etc. it brought me to working at an internet provider, doing tech support, learning so much. i found some great relationships there, my brother also worked there at the time doing tech support, but he could do so much better. i eventually moved on to work at a computer store, then started some independant consulting. all this time, acting like i'm enjoying college and telling myself, yes, you will graduate. well, that never happened. i convinced myself and my parents that i am learning way more out in the field than i would in a classroom, which was so true. being 19 and having freedom is a mother fucker, especially when you make good money and know something about something that matters. while most of your friends are in their dorm rooms 3 hours away, getting drunk everynight and sleeping with frat boys, i found myself waking up at 7am and having a career. not sure if that was good or bad....
tom
i met tom on march 20, 1999 at amber and keith's house. that night truly changed my life forever. it was an instant attraction on both ends, however he was married at the time. i had never had a serious boyfriend, and if i remember correctly, only kissed 2 people at that point. there was something different about him, not sure if it was the "challenge" part of it, or if it was truly where i was supposed to be. instant friendship turned into more, and he was going through a seperation at the time with his wife, who was 9 months pregnant. being the young nieve person i was, i didn't see a problem with that. tom was cute, charming, funny, and made me very curious. i've never felt that before, someone who intrigued me so much, i'd do anything to talk to. the night we met, we left to go and buy beer for everyone. what should have been a 15 drive, turned into 2 hours. i knew him, i could read him, i knew his thoughts, his wants and needs immediately, and i told him that, and he found it very interesting. we talked about so many things most people talk about in a year that night. when we got back, we didn't stay long, we ended up leaving at that same time, and was caught at a stoplight @ 2 a.m., nobody else around. he looked over at me and said, "you know i didn't get my wish tonight" i turned to him through the passenger window and said, "so why dont' you then?" so he gets out of his car, leans through my window and we have our first kiss.......
we found ourselves calling eachother everyday, almost an obsession. we hid our relationship for many months, just due to the fact of his situation. i hate myself for that. he was still living with his "wife" in the same house, in the basement, sort of a roommate situation until he could get out on his feet. one night we were chatting online, and he left the window open on accident, it was the first night he told me he had fallen in love with me. now i think it was left open on purpose, hoping she'd see it, and she did. we planned to meet at his business and have dinner, while we were there, we heard a knock on the door....it was her. that was the beginning of my hell for the last 5 years......
his second daughter was born on may 26th, and i waited for him to call from the hospital. it was as if i was a friend to both of them that day, but i was not wanted. i wonder what the atmosphere was like in the delivery room, if he held her hand through it, encouraged her, gave her coaching, kissed her forehead when she was in pain, i still don't know, at that time i didn't care, i was dumb..so very dumb. being seperated from eachother, her knowing about me, and bringing a daughter into the world created out of love from a night of lust. i saw camryn 3 days later when he stopped over to show her off. tom got a house to rent, and i was able to spend more time alone with him. most of our time together was with friends, of which had no idea about our relationship. we would hide behind doorways and bathrooms, and passionately kiss eachother, not knowing when our next meeting would occur. once he got his house, i still hid. from what i don't know. i allowed myself to become a secret. this kept on for 6 months, any slight noise i'd freak out, hide in a closet, thinking it was his wife, their divorce was not final yet, and i did feel horrible for being in that position, but i couldn't stay away. she would drop off the kids, and i'd be hiding in the other room, she didn't know i was there. however, i was encouraged to hide by him, i should have seen that coming. a year passed, and we got an apartment together. he was paying crazy child support, i was working 2 jobs, one of which was waitressing, and i was exhausted at the end of the day. he didn't make very good money, i always paid for all the bills, and was the one to sacrifice to make it happen. arguments began to occur, late night yelling and crying, turned into attempting to leave the apartment, but being barracaded and not let out. he never hurt me physically, but the emotional pain was just as bad. tom was a very jealous, controlling person, i was very innocent, young, submissive and nieve. i loved him, and would do anything for him, and now, its just another jerry springer episode looking back. he managed to say the right things, make me forgive him, and i'd move on. we did have many good times, but the bad seemed to overturn them. i didn't talk to my friends, family, anyone. i was put in a box to hide away from the world, that was his controlling nature. it happened over time, without me realizing what was happening. i lost many friends for him, i didn't care then. hey, i had him.. right..thats all i needed....
engagement photo
i got engaged to tom after we'd been together 2 years. i remember we had a huge fight that day, arguing outside his business..he asks me to go for a ride with him, it was pouring down rain. i get in the car, crying, looking out the window, avoiding any eye contact with him..thinking to myself, i hate my life, i'm not happy. he drives to the intersection where we had our first kiss. its 8pm in the evening, in a driving rain, very dark outside. i can still remember how loud the rain was hitting the car..
he gets out, walks around the car, opens my door, and i look down, and he's on one knee in the pouring rain, soaking wet, holding a black box. i just stare at him, not sure what to do. he spills his undying love for me, tells me he realizes things haven't been good, that he wants things to get better....basically everything i needed to hear at the moment. and then he asks me to be his wife. i say yes. i said yes to my dream, yes, to wanting to be happy, and sharing a life with someone. but did i say yes to "him"....i never thought about that until now.
tom's daughters from his previous marriage..
emily camryn
emily (now 7) and camryn (now 5) those girls were like my own. i had camryn in my life since she was born. i watched her grow up into a beautiful girl. i taught emily how to ride her bike. i taught camryn how to scrapbook. i taught both of them the right way to "wash their girl parts" in the shower. those are things a mom does, i am so glad i had that opportunity to be in their lives, and somehow make them who they are today. they are very intelligent, both of them accepted into accelerated schools for the gifted. i am so proud of them. i took on the role as "mom" probably too much, i was the room mother for their classroom parties, i also was vice president of their school's pta. their mom completely resented me for that, but she didnt want to bother with those things...she's a whole different story. she hates me.
i spent a year planning our wedding, 9/28/02, all for one day. my parents spent assloads of money on things. i did have a beautiful wedding.
wedding
i was happy on that day. all of my friends and family were together, showing their support towards me.
looking back, i remember my father coming into my brideroom before the ceremony and looking at me.
dad before wedding
he began to cry, his baby getting married, someone taking me away from him. he takes my hand and asks me.."are you sure this is what you want"..without hesitation i answer, "yes." why did he ask me that? did he know something i didn't...?
me & tom
this is the last picture that i remember being happy with tom. it was taken at my brother's wedding, may 22, 2003. i had talked to my brother about not being happy, and thats when i thought about filing for a divorce.
tom's father passed away on may 31st. he'd been struggling with cancer for a year, and i had the unwanted honor of being with him when he passed. somehow i couldn't be the next to be gone from tom's life. i pushed away the thoughts of divorce for the sake of hurting him. not taking how i felt seriously...
posted by Andrea at 4/10/2005 02:04:00 PM
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