take a ride on the andrea express

have you ever felt the moment when your heart feels like it just fell through the back of your chest, and now there's just a hole. yeah. its kinda like that.

my heart is having an out of body experience, doing a self survey on its feelings. its been free and able to ride the "andrea express," trying to keep up the whole time, unsure of what to feel around the next corner. how much can one's heart take before it de-rails?

when i feel disappointment, anger, frustration, deception, dishonesty, mistrust, resentment and sadness, not only does it bring me down, but i beat myself up for getting into that position to even feel that way. i build a wall to protect from it happening again. if i let down my guard, and it happens a second time, i've completely disappointed myself, and feel like a failure. its self torture from other's actions upon me. double wammy.

the only coping mechanism i've ever had to fix this problem, unfortunately, is to try and fix the situation by trying to overcome my fears and put myself out there again. i'm a fixer, helper, lover, comforter. i could never hurt anyone, which is why i'm so vulnerable to get hurt.