a need to forget

so i get a random message from my past.....of what i thought was long overwith, and dismissed, let go of. he was someone i had dated when i was 18, i was the secondhand girl. i allowed myself to accept the only time with him to be late night phone calls, and late night visits. i never met his friends, and i was hidden away just for his keeping and pleasure. it was almost an infatuation, however, it was also the first guy that gave me attention, and i ran with it. we played quake together, listened to the same music, and laughed together, but i was always awoken at 5am and shoo'd out the door before anyone noticed i was there....
after i got seperated from tom, we met up very randomly again 6 years later. we spent actual daylight together, very different than before. he is a extremely selfish person, but still the same person i knew back then. i took him back into my life, he was always the person i thought of as my "what if"... and i never got any closer on our past. i guess i just needed some reaffirmation that there were feelings there or not? we spent about a month seeing eachother, and things began to turn into the past. he'd only call me at night when he was drunk, wanting to come over, i'd call during the day, he wouldn't answer. he'd show up at my house wanting to stay the night, just laying next to me. we were intimate one time, and it was odd. i didn't feel anything for him, i shouldn't have been there. thats when i started to pull away. i told him things aren't working out for me, and its not fair to keep going with it. that night i saw a different person in him, he raged on me, called me names, completely disrespecting me. i had to hang up the phone. he's called ever since, and i never answer or return his calls. i can't be treated like that, from anyone, anymore. now he's regretting what he's done. i have a hard time forgetting, and i let things store inside me and continually remind myself of what i don't want.
i can't talk to him anymore. even a hello. i feel disgusted that he could treat me like that. and i feel dumb that i put myself in that position to be made to feel like that.
reading the message below, i became very angry. why do people realize things after its too late?
words from him no longer matter to me, nor have any emotional effect but to upset and anger me that he's still trying.....


"hey i just wanted to say hopefully a couple of things.. i don't have your email so here it goes.

i'm sorry that things didn't work out, after stepping back and really looking at things it was a real tall order. a lot was excepted of me at a turn around pace. the sad thing on my part is that i felt like i waited 5 years for that chance, and your right i wasn't the best person that i could be for you.
i was scared to death everything was happening so fast. and you felt that i didn't treat you the way you needed to be. look it all came out from left field. i don't think its fair to put me and tom in the same light. i understand you went thru a lot and i never tried covering that up. i wanted to change for you i wanted to be there for you every morning with mikey lying there. it just takes time for me, i haven't trusted a female since jen. and i'm glad that you took me in with open arms but damn, it was so something i never excepted.
i know you've written me off, and my pure fustration with myself and not really making the best ouf of a chance to be with you has certainly shown through. and i'm sorry for that. i really am, that night i got upset is i was changing for you. i wanted to be there for you. to hold you. i was changing my life so that my friends would understand. people look up to me or see me as the leader. its hard just to step away from certain aspects of my life. but i was trying. and i had done much to change my life for you. so yes i got upset. and i'm sorry for that, and i believe i always will be but i needed to say this, because i don't think i was cast in a fair light. i love you.. i always will love you. i have never stopped thinking about you or your well being and your family has been on my mind. maybe its easier to write things off now, maybe you can reconsider your feelings. but i can't. i will be a man and take this one on the chin. but i won't ever stop loving you and i want you to know that. if it means anything to you i'm not sure.
you gave me the courage to stand back up and get my life straightened out, and i've done that lately. i got a new car, i quit beating myself up for the past. i am starting a new chapter in my life, because of you. just you being there was all i needed. and i just wish i could of gave back to you. because you have done so much for me, because you mean so much to me. its just hard to let it all go.
i wanted to say this all in person, but i'm never going to get that chance, and as much as i want to, i can't bring myself to show up at your house uninvited. and maybe that might seem that i won't fight for you. thats not true. i just know you don't want me there and i feel i have to respect that. i know you won't call or talk to me. but i will always be here, doing my thing trying to better myself like i was 5 years ago. and hoping that you'll come back, and you'll see me for what i am. not what you you've casted me as.
all i can say now, is that i love you.. that a moment goes by where i don't think about you. and thank you for giving me the push to stand back up.. i stood back up for you. so that i could give us better things. maybe you've seen it from a different view. but that viewpoint is true. all the unanswered phone calls, i could of taken those many ways but i've NEVER given up on you. people are going to have their differences no matter how much love is there. there is LOVE there.. how many other people can say that they experience that?
how many people can say that their was someoone waiting for them 5 years later?
not many, not many at all.....
i'm sorry that you have written me off to such a degree.. i'm sorry that i can't be there for you, to cheer you up to put my arms around you. to fight with mikey. i made mistakes, i should of been there i was just nervous. and i have my faults. everyone does. nobody is perfect. but my love is unshakened for you and i'm sorry you never saw that

just please don't go back to that asshole .. if i can ask one thing of you thats what i would ask. be who you want to be. do the things that you want. thats all i wanted to do is watch you become that person, not that your not wonderful as it is.. but i wanted to be a part of that.

maybe one day, you'll run into me. and we'll say hi again. maybe you'll move on and we can't really go back .. and i'm sure thats a real possiblity. just do me one favor. you don't have say anything.. just look into my eyes.. watch how they soften.. you'll see love there.. unshakened love..
i just wished we could of talked.. i'm trying to meet all my mistakes head on. but i'm here for you and i always will be. i hold no grudges or anything of that nature. i know you won't call but i just wish you would. but you know whats best for you and being away from me is your stance and i respect that stance.
just been listening to sarah mclachlan the last couple weeks.. its almost a push for me as much as it depresses me. and i leave you with this..
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do, the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do."


** how dare he think he can bring this back, AND use sarah mclachlan to express himself. ugh, its almost sickening. i can only move forward, take it in, and continue living. my life is so much better without this drama..**