ms brightside

things are starting to look up, i'm finally starting to pull out of the mess in my head. i'm looking forward to having tomorrow off, i'm going to make soup for my grandparents tonight and hopefully spend some time with them tomorrow. sad to say, but spending time with people who have a good reason to be unhappy with life makes you appreciate yours even more.

sanity

my heart, my soul, my passion, my love.

this is just a test

After taking a analytical "color test" online, here's my results:

Hopes to obtain an improved position and greater prestige, so that she can procure for herself more of the things she has had to do without.
Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation disagreeable. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally herself and make herself more secure. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, she feels, can she withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for her personal qualities.
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

www.colorquiz.com

foggy

the last week, my mind has been a complete fog. i cannot recall what i did 5 minutes earlier, i wander in my thoughts randomly and lose all concentration on what i'm doing. i've done absolutely nothing in my house. when i'm driving, i don't remember if that stoplight was red or green that i just went through. i had to pull over last night on my way home and breath. anxiety is taking over my system, and i can't control it. medication makes me so groggy i cannot function with it. its a lose/lose situation right now. i sleep nonstop, and i have to shower before i go to bed, because i wake up 5 minutes before i have to leave for work, thank god for mikey having to pee every morning, otherwise i'd never get up, and probably lose my job. i cry at the drop of a hat, fall asleep sitting up in a chair, and slack off on my responsibilities. a daily phone call from gareth is the only thing holding me together. i know my nutrition is okay, i had bloodwork done to check that. i'm assuming this is some serious depression that i can't pull out of.

broken

i've sat at home tonight listening to songs to cover my pain, playing music that tries to convince myself otherwise. today was the hardest day of my life, and i've spent it all alone.

better together

"Better Together"

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find there way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
But tomorrow night you see
That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find there way
Into my day to day scene
Ill be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree

Its always better when we're together
We're somewhere in between together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together.


thanks for jack johnson for singing what my heart is feeling..

my mom calls with the news. "we're going to make him comfortable." i know what this means...its not long off. the nurse tells my mom, "thats the first time i've seen dr. constantino cry." the hospital bed is being put up in my grandparents house this week.... i've not been close to my grandpa, but he's always been a part of my life. my grandparents are very old fashioned, and i just haven't been able to share my life with them. i'm the granddaughter that shows up for family events, and makes the occasional phone call to see how things are going. i don't get a call to see how things are going, yet i feel the guilt of not having a relationship with them. i love my grandparents very much, i know things could have been different but efforts were not given. i don't know if i wish things were different, i just feel that i'm glad to have been able to get to know them as people in my life. i know it bothers my mom that i'm not close with them. i will be very sad when my grandparents are gone. i want my children to be as close to my parents as i am with them.

i'm having a bad day. period. gareth left yesterday and i'm miserable. he was here for a week, and it was so natural. i didn't want him to leave me. i finally got to see what being with someone you love should be like. i know he's the one i'm supposed to be with. we're going to do what we have to, i know this can work, it will take time. i don't want to rush this, mess it up, make him regret it. i feel bad that he will be coming here and moving away from his friends and family. i want him to know how important it is to me that he's making the right decision.

the last 7 years of my life are coming to an end tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm getting divorced. i'm having issues with this. i'm 27 years old, and divorced. only 50 something's get divorced. i always ask myself how did i let this happen, how could i have not known this wasn't the right thing to do. i keep telling myself if the last 7 years wouldn't have happened, i wouldn't be where i'm at now. i'm taking my maiden name back tomorrow. its mind boggling that i'm going to have a different identity tomorrow. different initials, different login at work, different drivers license number. i feel free. i'm back to the old me. like it never happened.