my mom calls with the news. "we're going to make him comfortable." i know what this means...its not long off. the nurse tells my mom, "thats the first time i've seen dr. constantino cry." the hospital bed is being put up in my grandparents house this week.... i've not been close to my grandpa, but he's always been a part of my life. my grandparents are very old fashioned, and i just haven't been able to share my life with them. i'm the granddaughter that shows up for family events, and makes the occasional phone call to see how things are going. i don't get a call to see how things are going, yet i feel the guilt of not having a relationship with them. i love my grandparents very much, i know things could have been different but efforts were not given. i don't know if i wish things were different, i just feel that i'm glad to have been able to get to know them as people in my life. i know it bothers my mom that i'm not close with them. i will be very sad when my grandparents are gone. i want my children to be as close to my parents as i am with them.

i'm having a bad day. period. gareth left yesterday and i'm miserable. he was here for a week, and it was so natural. i didn't want him to leave me. i finally got to see what being with someone you love should be like. i know he's the one i'm supposed to be with. we're going to do what we have to, i know this can work, it will take time. i don't want to rush this, mess it up, make him regret it. i feel bad that he will be coming here and moving away from his friends and family. i want him to know how important it is to me that he's making the right decision.

the last 7 years of my life are coming to an end tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm getting divorced. i'm having issues with this. i'm 27 years old, and divorced. only 50 something's get divorced. i always ask myself how did i let this happen, how could i have not known this wasn't the right thing to do. i keep telling myself if the last 7 years wouldn't have happened, i wouldn't be where i'm at now. i'm taking my maiden name back tomorrow. its mind boggling that i'm going to have a different identity tomorrow. different initials, different login at work, different drivers license number. i feel free. i'm back to the old me. like it never happened.