i have a secret

my past brings me back to my future head on. i hide, i allow..i trust. history is repeated on a daily basis. the damage is haunting, shame and guilt kick in, and i'm a piece of shit. a secret, to be kept hidden and out of view, why should i be hidden. do i not deserve to be shown..? am i just being selfish, yes i am.

i'm a vision of happiness, a want, a need for another. i don't want this to be an issue, i've dealt with being second all my life. with the advice of a dear friend..."you're the one who has to put you first." i have to take control of my life. i deserve what i want.

even in a marriage, i was told i'm not a priority. 1. kids 2. family 3. me i need to be a priority. being told your second, hell , maybe third, that hurts. i don't want to feel that again, i've already been there, done that. being told your not worthy enough for sacrifice..especially when i sacrifice myself entirely for the sake of others disappointment.

my past slaps me in the face. you dumbass. wake up. why aren't you fighting for what you want. i fight against myself, defending others actions with my own needs. trying to rationalize the situation, continuing to allow the circumstances to continue.

i want to be wanted. i want to be the only one whose wanted. i want to be important.

what will it take for me to believe someone could want me more than anyone else?

it all comes down to self worth. i've been told "You have to tell yourself I am worth this.. I will not back down. I am a fucking catch and someone will be lucky to have me. It's not cocky, it's not egotistical, it's called putting yourself first."

learning to love yourself is like learning to ride a bike. its easy to fall off, give up and accept you can't do it. i'm still wearing the training wheels. and a helmet. shaking as i ride along, scared to fall off.

realizing that i've allowed myself to settle for less than i deserve is a kick in the ass.

for this, i'm going after what i want, not what i settle for. i deserve to be happy. no matter the disappointment, resentment, failure, consequences....i'm going for it. i'm getting back on the bike and kicking its ass. ok, i feel better now.