New Pictures

Today I went to walk along the river with Sara & her dog Shay. It was so beautiful outside and the sun was just starting to go down.



Sara & Shay Pics
Me and Mikey Pics

Bank Pole Fishing

This morning I woke up early and went fishing with my dad. Well, technically not "fishing," but my dad baited some bank poles last night and we went at 6am to check the poles for flathead catfish in the Rock River. We ended up getting 5 altogether and my dad filleted them to grill later :) See the rest of the fishing pics

Mikey meets a catfish for the first time! Click Here!

new pictures

I got to spend the day with my girls, Emily and Camryn. We went to the pool in the afternoon, then to buy some school clothes, then we went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I feel whole when I'm with them, they are such a huge part of my life, and being without them a piece of me is missing. It is definently the mother in me wanting to be near the children that I've raised. I wonder what my future holds, if I'm going to be able to have children of my own. I know that I will be able to love a child like my own even if it wasn't from me, those girls have shown me what unconditional love is really about.

Spending time with "my girlies" Emily and Camryn at the pool

Turtle Turtle : Holding a turtle that my dad caught

ahhhhhhhhhh

today is my first visit with a new psychiatrist. this is always nerve racking for me because i don't do well expressing my feelings to strangers, i always like to sugar coat things and make them see not so bad so that i don't feel like they can judge me. today i'm starting over, i'm letting everything out, and i'm scared of that, because i've NEVER been able to do it, and i'm worried what's gonna come out of my mouth. ok time to go smoke....we'll see how today goes.

welcome to the jungle

i'm going through some embarrassing days. i'm not used to feeling weakness, i've always been everybody else's rock, and now i'm the one at the bottom. i'm struggling admitting to myself that its okay to feel this, but its something i'm not used to. i've always been able to deal with whatever life hands me, and about 10 other peoples' burdens as well. also, i've pushed aside some symptoms that i should have addressed about a year ago. i'm finally taking some time out for me, needing to miss some work to make that happen (which I can't afford to do), and getting some help.

my fortune

today at lunch, i was excited to open my fortune cookie. i've been having a bad battle with depression, trying to figure things out, get my life back in order. somehow thinking a statement from a fortune cookie would help me understand my future *shrug* so i open my fortune cookie, and....nothing. no fortune inside. what does that mean? i asked the waiter what it meant, and he looked at me, and went and got me another one. ok, so i thought, i'll give it another try.

"Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst"

enough said. fortune cookies can go fuck themselves.

why didn't i think of this?

a freakin cafe that serves only cereal! sweet!

the sky up there

i have a HUGE fascination with the sky, moon, stars, planets etc. I came across this cool site where you can look at the moon. Google Moon

arg not another one..

What was I doing 10 years ago: graduating high school, trying to figure out what i want to do for the rest of my life, praying to find a great love

5 years ago: living with my ex in a 2 bedroom apartment, working for a mortgage loan company, bought my car

1 year ago: married, living in my house with my step-daughters and my dog mikey, working at my current job

Yesterday: just trying to make it through the day

Snacks I enjoy: strawberry licorice, taquitos with sour cream, m&m's, nachos at 3am from room service, crab ragoon from chinese vendor outside the club

songs I know all the words to: Baby Got Back, Ice Ice Baby, anything Sarah McLachlan, Never is a promise, um i'm sure alot more

Things I would do with a $100 million: $1 split between every co-worker so they can get the hell out, build a nice house with a pool & grotto like the Playboy mansion, start a small film company making documentary of average people, buy 500 acres of land and build a house for my family members, travel with the rest of the money and every homeless person would get $10,000 that was nice to me and didn't bug me for anything

Locations I would like to run away to: Las Vegas, Egypt, Paris, Greece, Spain

Bad habits I have: smoking, eating sugar, self conscience, lack of motivation, not sleeping enough

smells I Like: first burst of air conditioning i start my car, the way my mom smells, new tires, dry erase markers, sex

Things I like doing: traveling, kissing, singing in the shower,

Things I would never wear: open toe granny sandal's, a dickey, bikini, tube top

TV shows I like: CSI, Aqua Teen, Days of our Lives, Oprah, Andy Milonakis

Biggest joys of the moment: talking to Gareth, the fact that i have a job and i'm supporting myself, my dog, smoking this cigarette, my parents

Favorite toys: dvd burner, webcam, bullet, cellphone, dvd player

mother of all catfish

props to my dad for landing a enormous 29.5 lb catfish! he caught it just in time to enter it in his "brotherhood of catfish" fish-off, so he's got a great chance of winning.

take a ride on the andrea express

have you ever felt the moment when your heart feels like it just fell through the back of your chest, and now there's just a hole. yeah. its kinda like that.

my heart is having an out of body experience, doing a self survey on its feelings. its been free and able to ride the "andrea express," trying to keep up the whole time, unsure of what to feel around the next corner. how much can one's heart take before it de-rails?

when i feel disappointment, anger, frustration, deception, dishonesty, mistrust, resentment and sadness, not only does it bring me down, but i beat myself up for getting into that position to even feel that way. i build a wall to protect from it happening again. if i let down my guard, and it happens a second time, i've completely disappointed myself, and feel like a failure. its self torture from other's actions upon me. double wammy.

the only coping mechanism i've ever had to fix this problem, unfortunately, is to try and fix the situation by trying to overcome my fears and put myself out there again. i'm a fixer, helper, lover, comforter. i could never hurt anyone, which is why i'm so vulnerable to get hurt.

sunburn!!

my brother and sister-in-law came into town this weekend from Nebraska. Its been a since memorial day since they were here. my sister-in-law (J) loves to go swimming, so I managed to get the day off and we went to the pool with my mom. the temp outside was about 102 degrees, but being in the pool you couldn't tell how hot it really was. i put on sunblock before we got in the pool, but it didn't help.
my nephew (baxter the dog) came along with Jeremy and J. Bax is a kerry blue terrior, he's really sweet and loves to give me kisses behind my ears. my dad cracks me up whenever baxter is around, he ties his fluff of hair in front of his eyes back so baxter can see, i think it drives my dad crazy! i bought a dozen ears of sweet corn at a roadside stand, so i thought it would be a good time to cook it up, dad and i shucked the corn and he cust it off the ear for me since i HATE getting the hairs between my teeth from eating corn on the cob. See the rest of the pics!

burp, charlie burp! *spoiler*

went to see charlie and the chocolate factory friday night, i think i sat there for the first hour wondering, what the hell am i watching?? if you haven't seen this, it might be sort of a spoiler, but i have to get it out. for one, i loved the movie, it was TOTALLY different than the first one. during the first 10 minutes of the movie, my mom leans over and tells me, "I never saw the first one." how is that humanly possible?? also, i was a little ticked when i realized they have completely cut out my FAVORITE part of the original movie, the scene where Charlie and Grandpa Joe find the fizzy lifting drink and almost get sucked into the fan. i was devastated to realize they dismissed this scene. the oompa loompas were completely different too. they have replaced the blue faced midgets with some indian looking fellow who was digitally reduced in size, and every oompa loompa was the same guy. the songs were completely different, and all new. they replaced the golden goose with a quick nut peeling squirrel. they did a good job with finding kids to play the original characters, however i would have casted the parents a little differently. my biggest difference from the original is the ending. TOTALLY DIFFERENT!

pour some sugar on me

why in God's name are tickets to see Def Leppard and Brian Adams $40?? I mean, seriously, if it was any other bands, I might consider it, but cmon, its def leppard. my friend Sara wants to see them, and I said I'd go with her, but damn, $40?

addiction

ok so now i'm offically addicted AGAIN to pogo.com! I was pogo free for about 8 months, then one day i logged back in to see if my account was still open, and the site sucked me back in like a crackwhore looking to make a few bucks! i'm back to achieving my weekly challenges and getting new badges! WE DON'T NEED NO STEENKING BADGES!

please God no!!!!!

I realized after looking at my picture I had bug eyes like the runaway bride chick! spooky!

chocolate flavored kisses

i went and had dinner tonight with Amber and Kain, we made mexican pizza (almost corn muffin pizza) and cupcakes! Amber told me to pick up some corn bread mix at the store, so i did. Low and behold, we actually needed corn MEAL and bisquick, so we almost had an interesting pizza on our hands! we scraped the baking stone off and decided to just make corn muffins out of it, so we worked it out!
Kain had some fun with cupcakes, and he had it ALL over his face, so I thought I would join him and get a little chocolately. See more pics!

Shout Out

I'd like to give a shout out to my dad's new website, WhereIFish.com He's been working really hard on it lately, and my brother has done a great job setting it up for him. Since I'm officially the "PR" person for the site, I'm just trying to get the word out as much as possible. Its a totally free site, where people that love to fish can go and tell their stories and upload pictures of your catch! My dad is giving away $50 in Bass Pro gift cards every month for the best story! Visit WhereIFish.com and leave your fishing stories now, we look forward to reading them! There's also a forum where you can discuss certain types of fish, bait, fishing spots, etc.

Best Dog Ever

I must admit, I have the best dog in the world!

See more pics!

hell yeah

You Are 82% American

You're as American as red meat and shooting ranges. Tough and independent, you think big. You love everything about the US, wrong or right. And anyone who criticizes your home better not do it in front of you!

How American Are You?

I'm a good kisser!

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Picture Pages

1. This is my grandmother's sewing scissors. She passed away in 1999 when she was 99 years old, and recently my other grandmother gave these to me. My grandmother was very good at sewing, cooking, baking, and everything else a housewife born in 1900 would know how to do. I wish she was still around to teach me everything she knew.

2. This picture is of me and my friend Jenn when we were 18, this was taken in her dorm room her freshman year at Loras College, in Iowa. I can't believe how long my hair was back then! I miss it now, but it was alot of work!

3. This is a scrub shirt that was given to me by a drug rep when I worked for Genesis hospital doing medical billing. I thought it was cool since it was for Viagra. Its too big for me now, so I haven't been able to wear it, I just can't seem to get rid of it though!

new pictures

new photos uploaded

Becca's Birthday
Cousins All-Star Game
Finding a mate for Mikey

Pet Insurance

ok, so i was browsing the www today and came across a link for "Pet Insurance", so I decided to give it a chance. I can't imagine anything happening to my doggie, Mikey! It would be nice to know that if something did happen, I wouldn't have to shell out thousands of dollars for his care!

PetInsurance.com
Your Free Quote
You have added MIKEY to your quote. Our Veterinarians recommend the VPI Superior Plan along with the Vaccination & Routine Care Coverage for the best care for MIKEY.

MIKEY Canine -

Base Plan**
VPI Superior Plan $19.92 monthly $239.00 annual
** Includes $12.00 Lost & Found Registration
Annual benefit maximum of $14,000*
A low deductible of $50 per incident,Benefits include diagnosis, diagnostics and anesthesia and chemotherapy/radiation allowances (where applicable). Additional benefits may also be available for specialized diagnostic tests (such as an ultrasound or MRI) or if your pet is referred to a board certified specialist.

Vaccination and Routine Care Coverage $8.25
Double Cancer Benefits Endorsement $2.83
Monthly Processing Fee $2.00

Total monthly cost $33.00

Happy Birthday Becca! I went out with Becca and her husband, Art, Sean, and Greg last night for Becca's birthday.

holy crap my hands are filthy! i just looked down at the keyboard and noticed how dirty my fingers are!! egh!

I'm so glad I have the day off tomorrow, I'm buying my house! It will be a good feeling to know that I own it! Its been something I've been working towards for a long time to get my credit in order.

Work is going to be extremely slow today, I can already tell. maybe they will send people home because we're not busy, that would be sweet, i think i am far on the list from being sent, so I'm stuck here, hey at least i have tomorrow off!

countdown

i added a countdown to the right sidebar to count down the days until I go to Canada to see Gareth again! Thanks to my friend Art for helpin a sistah out! *props*

Fishing with my dad

I went fishing this afternoon with my dad. We had a lot of fun, I caught 5 bluegill and 3 catfish in 1/2 hour! Fortunately, the pond we were fishing in was stocked full, so the minute I dropped my pole in, I had a bite!

Picture Pages Club

ok so I'm trying to be cool and start a club. why not? :) so, i saw this idea on someone else's page, so yes, i can't take credit for it. its a bunch of people that all post on one site, where i would give 3 things you have to take a picture of and upload them to the blog, it looks really cool because everyone has a different perspective on each item.

you can view this at http://picturepagesclub.blogspot.com

if you want to join my club, just send me an email luv2luvu2@gmail.com and i'll add you as a member! yay i rock...

organization

my goal this year was to be organized. i'm still working on that. my finances are getting there finally, getting my home loan finished up this next week, and consolidating my debt, and from that i'll have enough money to fix up my house and put up a fence for mikey! i was very surprised how small my debt really was when it was all put together, i'll have everything paid off in like a year and a half.
it feels like when your finances are in order, everything else seems to fall together, if you have to not pay a bill one month so you can make your house payment, then you go behind on the other bill, then you slack off another bill to pay the one you didn't pay the month before...etc etc etc...

other goals i had for this year was to rid myself of negativity in my life. i did manage to get rid of the biggest so far, so thats a start! another goal is to take care of myself, which i haven't been doing.

self note: no sugar, no pop, get sleep, exercise, eat protein.....
maybe i should make a huge sign and put it up in my kitchen!

house goals: fence backyard, landscape, new garage door, new side garage doors, remodel bathroom, clean out basement, get rid of crap!

i know what i need to do, i just need to get motivated

ugh.

i hear my podmate, Missy, whisper to me while I'm on the phone this morning..."hey andrea!", and I look over to her, and she's holding up a piece of paper in pink writing..."it's a girl!" as the customer in my ear keeps talking, i'm not listening, and i start to daze. i put on the smile as if i'm thrilled for her, and do the "oh my god!" mouth movement. i desperately want to be a mother, i miss having children around. i feel very selfish faking my happiness, but its my time, i need to be a mom, and i can't.

unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live
that way

one of these again...

1. What is your occupation? SBC Customer Service Rep
2. What color is your underwear? Black
3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Johnson
4. What was the last thing you ate? Ritz Cracker
5. Do you wish on stars? Yes
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red
7. How is the weather right now? 73 degress
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Gareth
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? um...i guess, its amber, so..ya know *shrug*
10. How old are you today? 27
11. Favorite drink? Diet Mt. Dew
12. Favorite sport to watch? Figure Skating
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? only highlights
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? both
15. Pets? Allergic to everything!
16. Favorite month? October
17. Favorite food? school pizza & CHEESE!
18. What was the last movie you watched? Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
19. Favorite day of the year? May 6th, 2005
20. What do you do to vent anger? Cry
21. What was your favorite toy as child? my friend Paul's Masters of the Universe Castle Greyskull
22. Fall or Spring? Fall
23. Hugs or kisses? Kisses
24. Cherry or Blueberry? cherry
27. Living arrangements? Me and my dog Mikey in my house :)
28. When was the last time you cried? last night
29. What is on the floor of your closet? um, i don't have a closet :(
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Amber
31. What did you do last night? went to a movie with my mom
32. What are you afraid of? Spiders
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese
34. Favorite car? my cavalier
35. Number of keys on your key ring? 4
36. How many years at your current job? 1.5
37. Favorite day of the week? Saturday after 5pm
38. How many states have you lived in? 2
39. How many cities have you lived in? 3

Name a few things that you can’t stand whatsoever:
Vegetables
people that lie
mean people
smelly garbage

Hobbies?
Scrapbooking, Gaming

What kind of car do you drive? What color is it?
2000 red Chevy Cavalier

Worst time you got into trouble when you were a kid?
I called my brother a dorky piece of dog shit when i was 5.

Have you ever been on TV? i was interview on the news about the changing of our street.

What kind of music do you like to listen to?
All kinds except for some country…


What CD would your friends be surprised that you own? technically i don't "own" a recent cd, i d/l all my songs, so the song would probably be from the Carpenters.

Shoes or sandals?
both

Where do you buy most of your clothes?
Old Navy & Lane Bryant

Have you ever met any famous people? um..some WWF wrestlers, and Kenny Rogers

What are your favorite TV shows?
Friends, Will and Grace, Sex in the City, CSI, Law & Order, Andy Mulanakis Show, Real World, Dancing with the Stars, Meet the Barkers, Trading Spaces, Orange County Choppers, Extreme Makeover, Extreme Home Makeover

a gift

we are given many choices in life, but some things we can't choose. people are put in our lives for a reason, to teach us, guide us, and inspire us. i've never realized the importance of 2 people in my life until tonight. i never realized how the little insignificant moments can be so influential in the big picture, and the effect they had over me. i was a mom. i am a mom. emily and camryn were put in my life for a reason. the thought of them tingles in my heart everyday, and puts a smile on my face.
however, tonight, the thought of them brings tears and heartbreak. the effect 2 little girls have on me is overwhelming. i didn't give birth, but i feel like they are a part of me. my heart is aching, just to hear them laugh, or watch them draw on the sidewalk with chalk. stepping over the backpacks in front of the door where they were dropped the minute we walked in the house. barbie clothes scattered throughout the house, like little reminders. early saturday mornings, feeling small hands wrap around your chest as they snuggle up next to you in bed and watch cartoons. eating a bowl of cereal for dinner. being punished by my 5 year old teacher because i didn't have my homework done when we played school. i miss them terribly. the thing that hurts the most, i always knew they were brought to me as a gift, because i've been told it would be very difficult for me to have children. motherhood was dangled in front of me, and i embraced it, giving my complete love to them, teaching them, guiding them, and inspiring them. all the while, not knowing, they were doing the same for me. they've taught me to love, be patient, kind, and giving. they guided me to be a better person, and inspired me to give my love to others unconditionally, just like they did to me. i wasn't their mother, but they made me feel like it. tonight i'm sad. i'm angry. i'm upset that i cannot be the mother that i was. the mother who taught them how to write their name, taught them how to ride a bike, taught them how to share. i'm angry. i'm angry that i won't be able to watch them grow up, fall in love for the first time, tell them how beautiful they look when they try on their first prom dress, watch them walk down the aisle at graduation, and be there when they start a family. i won't be able to tell them how proud i am of them. i hope they remember me, and what i taught them. i will always remember what they taught me.