ass-flu

last night i go to dinner with my friends carmen and amber. we end up at Old Chicago



a pub/restaurant with semi "ass-flu" causing ingredients. i didn't seem to have a problem, however my shipmates seemed to have issues after we consumed the intoxicating meals.



we left dinner and immediately, amber felt the need to literally prairie dog it into walgreens to use the shitter, and felt the need to describe the matter coming out of her ass. thx that for btw...

we head to old navy to shop for some new digs, i find myself with an armload of clothes to try on while the other 2 sit and wait for me in the dressing room...

"hi my name is andrea and i'm here for my interview" i say, as i model a cute khaki skirt with white oxford and black jacket....amber laughs.

next is a cute summer strapless dress, i liked it, however the "twin girls upstairs" seemed to overpower the dress, and amber commented and called me ms. boob-a-liscious. damn i need a reduction!

anyway, so we end up at borders, where the ass-flu proceedings continue, and i find myself perusing through the fiction sale rack while i wait for the other two to finish dropping 10 lbs from dinner.

i end up buying 3 paperbacks, 2 of them are from Nicholas Sparks, the author of "The Notebook", the other buy a latina writer's book called "The Dirty Girl's Social Club"..I started reading that one today...couldn't put it down, good read.

work sucked today, went by fast though. i'm so tired of the same call one after the other...

its either..."i'm calling because i can't pay my phonebill cause my baby daddy spent the money with his dealer and left me high and dry to take care of the baby and i can't afford diapers..blah blah blah.."

or

"why is my phone bill $300 this month!?" ....my reply is always, "well it could have alot to do with the 50+ collect calls from a correctional facility..."

i swear, all i talk to are pieces of crap who expect everything for free. i would never dare call up my phone company and complain about something i legitimately used or ordered. anyway, there's my rant for the day!

goin to the tidley tonight, should be fun. taking camera as always ;)

free ipod?

ok so i didn't believe it at first, i was reading in one of my forums about getting a free ipod online. i asked my brother about it, and he actually did it and got one! apparently you need to go and sign up for a trial membership to a sponsoring company, and you then can cancel the membership and it counts as a fulfilled membership to the site to get a free ipod. you have to have 5 completed referrals and they ship it out to you! how cool is that?

of course they make a killing on this, i recently found out that the sponsoring companies pay nearly $90 to the site for each membership, betting on the fact that people don't cancel their memberships. i signed up for the blockbuster online membership, you put your credit card and stuff on it, and it has a VERY easy cancellation link...

here's the info...
1. click here to get my referral

2. register at the site

3. choose blockbuster online

4. fill out info, name address (make it all legit) credit card#

5. wait a day cause you get like 5 free rentals for joining, coupons are in your account immediately to print out :D

6. to cancel...login to blockbuster.com and click "sign in" at top, enter email and passwd

7. up at top under "my account" click on that, under "account details - Online Membership" area click "cancel"


8. to get your free ipod, go to www.freeipods.com and login with the email and pass you created, then click on "refer friends" it gives you a link, just give that out to people to sign up and WAH-LAH!

hello stranger

well, its been a few days since i've posted. not sure why. lets see....

monday i worked all day, met up with my friend Sara at a bridal store, i got to see her wedding dress she has picked out for the first time. she looked so beautiful in it :) i am so lucky to be her maid of honor.

they are getting married in florida on the beach at sunset, how freakin romantic is that!? i am so happy for her! Brent *fiancee* is such a great guy and they be great together.


Here's some pics of some dresses we looked at...

sat & sun

i ended up going over to a friends house saturday night and watching the ultimate fighting pay per view. there was about 10 people there, we drank and i made numerous comments about how i thought wrestling was actually an outlet for closet gay men. i just don't see the want in any straight man to roll around and beat the crap out of eachother. the way i see it, they want to be close and feel a man, and then get angry at their feelings about it, and hit the guy. heh
the other side i don't understand, it the want to get the shit kicked out of you. i mean seriously, why proactively go into a ring and risk losing your life just for an adrenaline high? their ears are so gross too, from all of the cartilage being broken down, the califlower look just isn't working out.....
i got extremely intoxicated, came home, and realized how stupid i was for driving home. yes, its only 10 blocks, but i could have had something bad happen. i cannot continue to do that :) thanks gareth ;)

today is sunday, a really nice day outside, i would say around 85 degrees out. i went to my parents house to have dinner. i talked to my mom about my trip to canada a little more in depth, and we had a good conversation. i also downloaded limewire for her and showed her how to download porn. bad thing is, it wasn't weird. heh

we played outside with the dogs for a while and took some pictures.

night at the tidley tap

omg so much fun tonight, we had alot of people in our group.


girls 

me and amber showed up fashionably late, so the place was full when we got there. we met up with mike and steph and his doctor friends, kim and wendy. i started drinking before we left so i was half shitfaced by the time we got there.


us 

mike rocked the house with his many renditions, kim sang "i will survive"...nicely done girl. amber sang a nice britney ditty...as always brought down the house. me and amber sang "goodbye earl" by the dixie chicks, a nice little tribute.

i got so drunk tonight, we drank pitchers of miller lite all night long. not sure how, somehow i made it out of there without spending any of my own money hahah :)


drunk ass 

mike's a pimp now, he handed amber $15 and said, "here, i made $10,000 today"..he's a loan officer and he took out the doctors tonight that he did the loans for. thats our mikey!

w00h00 i r0x0r!

today i got an award at work, the managers made a big fuss over it all coming to my desk and presenting it to me, total embarrassment. apparently a customer wrote a letter to SBC that rocked, and told how wonderful and stuff I was, it impressed SBC Corporate enough to where they had my name engraved in a glass statuette and the CEO signed it thanking me, pretty cool, if only that came with a monetary bonus! kind of lets you know your making a difference and it goes appreciated....

i'm gonna go out tonight with some friends to our usual bar, the tidley! its the usual friday night drunk fest in the smallest bar ever! we have a blast though, we get wasted and sing karaoke like we're on american idol and stuff.


licking mike 

our friend mike rocks! he was going to go to st louis to try out, but his wife was pregnant at the time and was going to deliver any day :( next time mikey! i'll be rooting for you! i'll definently be taking pics tonight so i'll upload when i get home :D

good times..

yesterday was my day off,so that was cool. i went into work to 2 hours in the afternoon. i met up with amber after work and we went to Michael's craft store, i got some stuff to work on my scrapbook for my trip. we were big dorks and laughed through the isles.

andrea boa 


$50 later......we went to Chili's to eat dinner.


chili's 


corn hole 

the waiter immediately gave me crap about the drink i originally ordered, saying they weren't very good. i ended up drinking 4 beers and getting totally drunk. he ended up sitting with us at our table talking the whole night between his tables...apparently we're fun. we leave dinner and end up in a traffic jam for like an hour it seemed. amber kept calling me from her cell phone teling me how bad she was going to crap her pants. we had this spicy bean dip and chips at dinner, and it wasn't going too well for her. i had to talk her through it, luckily she made it home clean.

surprise

i'm totally melting today. sitting at my desk at work, getting yelled at by a customer, and i feel a tap on my shoulder. i turn around and there's a beautiful bouqet of flowers right in front of me. the smell instantly hits me..mmmm so amazing.


bouqet 

card 


i completely ignore for 5 minutes what the customer on the phone is saying, i'm in total awe. i instantly give my camera to my pod-mate to take a picture. i was grinning from ear to ear.


smile 


smile2 

thank you so much gareth. you have no idea how you made me feel. just knowing that you thought enough to send me those, makes you a wonderful man. you make me feel special, loved, beautiful, and wanted. for that i am so grateful. nobody has ever done what you have...

reflections on current self

way to work 

i do most of my thinking on the way to work. this morning was exceptionally good. i had to take a picture, i knew i was glowing. i thought about how happy i am right now. how i'm finally coming into myself, finding what i want to be. looking forward to sharing "me" with someone else. thats always been hard for me. i like who i'm becoming, i can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

voice mail from afar

i got a voicemail on my cell phone today from my brother, apparently my sister-in-law is having surgery. he didn't give much info, kind of generic, so i called right back. i knew nothing of this surgery, he leaves me out of the loop in his busy life. i miss him terribly. hmf, so i call and he's too busy to talk, like usual. i quickly ask whats going on with J, my sister-in-law, apparently she was having a procedure done.
i know my brother would be a good father, i see him how he acts with his friend George's son, Austin, and its adorable. http://www.austinschaeffer.com Jeremy made that site for him, and bought him the digital camera. so funny.

J and Jeremy 
jeremy met his wife on the internet. she's a great person, they fit together well. they have live really figured out at the moment, at least from my point of view. jeremy has his own online company, j's an anethesiologist who was recently hired at a new hospital in lincoln, ne. she puts jeremy in his place, what he's always needed. they just bought a new house at her new location, and are now trying to beoome parents. i'm just worried about him, he's really concerned with material things and money. i always feel like everytime i talk to him, everything else is more important. he's always "too busy" to talk to me. i hope he hasn't forgotten his roots, and where he comes from.
i dunno, i come from a simple family, we weren't extremely wealthy, my parents made good money, but they didn't over-do it. they were smart in their investments, now both retired, living well.
i miss my brother, he's lived in Nebraska for like 3 years now it seems....i've only visited him two times. he used to come home alot, he does his own thing, i know he hates it here, but its where the rest of his family is. maybe i'll visit him next weekend, its a 5 hour drive, but worth seeing him and J. he's a brilliant person, knows tons about technology and computers, but has such a knack for business. he's done very well for himself, especially since when he was younger, i'm sure would have been voted "least likely to succeed", i'm glad he proved everyone wrong. now i'm the one to get that award in the family it seems. the roles have been reversed.....i've been somewhat of a disappoint to my brother. he said he put me on a pedastol (sp?) and i've fallen off. hmm...that sucks, i'm sorry. i'm working on it, i'd like to be back up there again. not just for him, but for myself.

he's made me very proud to call him my brother. i remember when he had his apartment, it was a total shithole, and he'd pay me and my friends to clean it for him. i joked around with him a little while back, when he started making alot of money, "don't forget who paid your rent" i said....he forgot, and said i never did. i remember.

relief

i thought i had lost something so dear to me. the moment when your heart sinks into your chest, the feeling of loss and heartbreak came over me. another person having such an effect on you is amazing, and something i haven't felt before. anxiously awaiting for the next words to come out, not knowing if good or bad....its good..whew...okay, relief....

i feel important, like i'm worth fighting for, the first time in my life.

i have a secret

my past brings me back to my future head on. i hide, i allow..i trust. history is repeated on a daily basis. the damage is haunting, shame and guilt kick in, and i'm a piece of shit. a secret, to be kept hidden and out of view, why should i be hidden. do i not deserve to be shown..? am i just being selfish, yes i am.

i'm a vision of happiness, a want, a need for another. i don't want this to be an issue, i've dealt with being second all my life. with the advice of a dear friend..."you're the one who has to put you first." i have to take control of my life. i deserve what i want.

even in a marriage, i was told i'm not a priority. 1. kids 2. family 3. me i need to be a priority. being told your second, hell , maybe third, that hurts. i don't want to feel that again, i've already been there, done that. being told your not worthy enough for sacrifice..especially when i sacrifice myself entirely for the sake of others disappointment.

my past slaps me in the face. you dumbass. wake up. why aren't you fighting for what you want. i fight against myself, defending others actions with my own needs. trying to rationalize the situation, continuing to allow the circumstances to continue.

i want to be wanted. i want to be the only one whose wanted. i want to be important.

what will it take for me to believe someone could want me more than anyone else?

it all comes down to self worth. i've been told "You have to tell yourself I am worth this.. I will not back down. I am a fucking catch and someone will be lucky to have me. It's not cocky, it's not egotistical, it's called putting yourself first."

learning to love yourself is like learning to ride a bike. its easy to fall off, give up and accept you can't do it. i'm still wearing the training wheels. and a helmet. shaking as i ride along, scared to fall off.

realizing that i've allowed myself to settle for less than i deserve is a kick in the ass.

for this, i'm going after what i want, not what i settle for. i deserve to be happy. no matter the disappointment, resentment, failure, consequences....i'm going for it. i'm getting back on the bike and kicking its ass. ok, i feel better now.

exploring

i had today off work, so instead of wasting countless hours in front of my pc, i went for a walk, and experienced nature. i really enjoy photography, mostly of the outdoors, and portraits. i think i like taking pictures because it gives me a chance to reflect on certain times in my life. it makes me remember exactly what i was seeing at that time.


flowers

flower

wind chime

hosta

bird feeder

we belong together

you ever hear a song...and it hits you, thats EXACTLY how you are feeling at the moment...and you feel this burning in your chest, an overwhelming warmth, you close your eyes, and think, "yes, this is me..." you hear a verse that you feel almost like you wrote the song.....

Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
Cause I didn't know you
Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt

The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, cause baby
We belong together

Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Saying to me
"If you think you're lonely now"
Wait a minute
This is too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart

I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things, crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
It ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you in my life

then the next song comes on, and its a flood of emotions, it keeps happening, every verse hits you, every word reminds you of a direct feeling..
music is my medication, a way to heal my soul. if i'm feeling down, i listen to a song. i break it down, line by line. it helps me realize i'm not the only one feeling that way...and there's a light ahead. it validates my concerns, impressions, assumptions, and threats. i begin to memorize the words as my own. applying lyrics to a simple conversation. music is soothing, the chords, harmony, beat..like a human body, they all work together to make a single element.

looking ahead

sitting here, i'm wondering whats in store for me. what is my true destiny? all i can think of are my dreams, my wants, and if they will truly happen. do i deserve to be happy, do i deserve to get everything i dream of? what have i given to this life to get any rewards? do i still have to continue to give and think nothing will be returned? its scary, people are happy. i was once. will it happen again? or will life tease me until i die...dangling opportunities in my face, just to see my reaction. life is a book of chapters, i've closed 2 already, but how many are left....am i living a short story, or a novel...i have yet to figure that out. childhood is so innocent, no worries, only care is wondering if the popluar girls will accept you, and invite you to their slumber party. looking now, adulthood can be that slumber party, finding where you fit in, feeling accepted. finding your "niche" and what your meant to be. who knew 5th grade was a living metaphor...?

i'm lost...i've found a want. but i can't have it. not yet anyway. an overwhelming need to be with someone, that i can't even touch, see, smell, feel, hear laugh, watch how their mouth moves when they speak... i think of the little things i yearn for.... buying groceries and only thinking of them and what they'd want to eat, filling my car with gas and wondering if they needed a snack from inside the store, seeing a shirt at the mall, and wondering if they'd like to have it.
only communication is text and voice, i crave touch, a whole different communication. expression of affection, "i am into you, i like you, you make me feel good" type of words with no sound. a kiss on the forehead says "i adore you", a touch of a hand says "i need you", a deep kiss says "i want you"

this is a simple desire, my destiny will be fulfilled, i know it. its something i can't control, things are already in place for me. i just have to live the role, and watch it happen. we were given free will, but i think 2 decisions were put in front of us, and each has a different path drawn out, but in the end, they meet, and each path was a different learning experience.

i'm living my life as if i won't be here tomorrow. taking every moment in and analyzing it to the fullest. finding the "FAB"....an expression at work, but it carries in life....whats the "feature, application, and benefit"

a need to forget

so i get a random message from my past.....of what i thought was long overwith, and dismissed, let go of. he was someone i had dated when i was 18, i was the secondhand girl. i allowed myself to accept the only time with him to be late night phone calls, and late night visits. i never met his friends, and i was hidden away just for his keeping and pleasure. it was almost an infatuation, however, it was also the first guy that gave me attention, and i ran with it. we played quake together, listened to the same music, and laughed together, but i was always awoken at 5am and shoo'd out the door before anyone noticed i was there....
after i got seperated from tom, we met up very randomly again 6 years later. we spent actual daylight together, very different than before. he is a extremely selfish person, but still the same person i knew back then. i took him back into my life, he was always the person i thought of as my "what if"... and i never got any closer on our past. i guess i just needed some reaffirmation that there were feelings there or not? we spent about a month seeing eachother, and things began to turn into the past. he'd only call me at night when he was drunk, wanting to come over, i'd call during the day, he wouldn't answer. he'd show up at my house wanting to stay the night, just laying next to me. we were intimate one time, and it was odd. i didn't feel anything for him, i shouldn't have been there. thats when i started to pull away. i told him things aren't working out for me, and its not fair to keep going with it. that night i saw a different person in him, he raged on me, called me names, completely disrespecting me. i had to hang up the phone. he's called ever since, and i never answer or return his calls. i can't be treated like that, from anyone, anymore. now he's regretting what he's done. i have a hard time forgetting, and i let things store inside me and continually remind myself of what i don't want.
i can't talk to him anymore. even a hello. i feel disgusted that he could treat me like that. and i feel dumb that i put myself in that position to be made to feel like that.
reading the message below, i became very angry. why do people realize things after its too late?
words from him no longer matter to me, nor have any emotional effect but to upset and anger me that he's still trying.....


"hey i just wanted to say hopefully a couple of things.. i don't have your email so here it goes.

i'm sorry that things didn't work out, after stepping back and really looking at things it was a real tall order. a lot was excepted of me at a turn around pace. the sad thing on my part is that i felt like i waited 5 years for that chance, and your right i wasn't the best person that i could be for you.
i was scared to death everything was happening so fast. and you felt that i didn't treat you the way you needed to be. look it all came out from left field. i don't think its fair to put me and tom in the same light. i understand you went thru a lot and i never tried covering that up. i wanted to change for you i wanted to be there for you every morning with mikey lying there. it just takes time for me, i haven't trusted a female since jen. and i'm glad that you took me in with open arms but damn, it was so something i never excepted.
i know you've written me off, and my pure fustration with myself and not really making the best ouf of a chance to be with you has certainly shown through. and i'm sorry for that. i really am, that night i got upset is i was changing for you. i wanted to be there for you. to hold you. i was changing my life so that my friends would understand. people look up to me or see me as the leader. its hard just to step away from certain aspects of my life. but i was trying. and i had done much to change my life for you. so yes i got upset. and i'm sorry for that, and i believe i always will be but i needed to say this, because i don't think i was cast in a fair light. i love you.. i always will love you. i have never stopped thinking about you or your well being and your family has been on my mind. maybe its easier to write things off now, maybe you can reconsider your feelings. but i can't. i will be a man and take this one on the chin. but i won't ever stop loving you and i want you to know that. if it means anything to you i'm not sure.
you gave me the courage to stand back up and get my life straightened out, and i've done that lately. i got a new car, i quit beating myself up for the past. i am starting a new chapter in my life, because of you. just you being there was all i needed. and i just wish i could of gave back to you. because you have done so much for me, because you mean so much to me. its just hard to let it all go.
i wanted to say this all in person, but i'm never going to get that chance, and as much as i want to, i can't bring myself to show up at your house uninvited. and maybe that might seem that i won't fight for you. thats not true. i just know you don't want me there and i feel i have to respect that. i know you won't call or talk to me. but i will always be here, doing my thing trying to better myself like i was 5 years ago. and hoping that you'll come back, and you'll see me for what i am. not what you you've casted me as.
all i can say now, is that i love you.. that a moment goes by where i don't think about you. and thank you for giving me the push to stand back up.. i stood back up for you. so that i could give us better things. maybe you've seen it from a different view. but that viewpoint is true. all the unanswered phone calls, i could of taken those many ways but i've NEVER given up on you. people are going to have their differences no matter how much love is there. there is LOVE there.. how many other people can say that they experience that?
how many people can say that their was someoone waiting for them 5 years later?
not many, not many at all.....
i'm sorry that you have written me off to such a degree.. i'm sorry that i can't be there for you, to cheer you up to put my arms around you. to fight with mikey. i made mistakes, i should of been there i was just nervous. and i have my faults. everyone does. nobody is perfect. but my love is unshakened for you and i'm sorry you never saw that

just please don't go back to that asshole .. if i can ask one thing of you thats what i would ask. be who you want to be. do the things that you want. thats all i wanted to do is watch you become that person, not that your not wonderful as it is.. but i wanted to be a part of that.

maybe one day, you'll run into me. and we'll say hi again. maybe you'll move on and we can't really go back .. and i'm sure thats a real possiblity. just do me one favor. you don't have say anything.. just look into my eyes.. watch how they soften.. you'll see love there.. unshakened love..
i just wished we could of talked.. i'm trying to meet all my mistakes head on. but i'm here for you and i always will be. i hold no grudges or anything of that nature. i know you won't call but i just wish you would. but you know whats best for you and being away from me is your stance and i respect that stance.
just been listening to sarah mclachlan the last couple weeks.. its almost a push for me as much as it depresses me. and i leave you with this..
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul, I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do, the yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do."


** how dare he think he can bring this back, AND use sarah mclachlan to express himself. ugh, its almost sickening. i can only move forward, take it in, and continue living. my life is so much better without this drama..**

so it begins...

about 8 years ago, i played Quake, an online game, and traveled all over the country playing in tournaments, meeting new people, and countless hotel rooms with ethernet cables running down the hallways.

PMS-Raven 
this is me at a tournament in louisville kentucky...that was a fun time in my life, but it was very immature. i had no cares, worked part time, went to school, and on the weekends played as PMS-Raven, my alternate being. i've been known as Raven ever since, almost like its my new founded identity. i started getting interested in computers, learning how to build, fix, upgrade, etc. it brought me to working at an internet provider, doing tech support, learning so much. i found some great relationships there, my brother also worked there at the time doing tech support, but he could do so much better. i eventually moved on to work at a computer store, then started some independant consulting. all this time, acting like i'm enjoying college and telling myself, yes, you will graduate. well, that never happened. i convinced myself and my parents that i am learning way more out in the field than i would in a classroom, which was so true. being 19 and having freedom is a mother fucker, especially when you make good money and know something about something that matters. while most of your friends are in their dorm rooms 3 hours away, getting drunk everynight and sleeping with frat boys, i found myself waking up at 7am and having a career. not sure if that was good or bad....


tom 
i met tom on march 20, 1999 at amber and keith's house. that night truly changed my life forever. it was an instant attraction on both ends, however he was married at the time. i had never had a serious boyfriend, and if i remember correctly, only kissed 2 people at that point. there was something different about him, not sure if it was the "challenge" part of it, or if it was truly where i was supposed to be. instant friendship turned into more, and he was going through a seperation at the time with his wife, who was 9 months pregnant. being the young nieve person i was, i didn't see a problem with that. tom was cute, charming, funny, and made me very curious. i've never felt that before, someone who intrigued me so much, i'd do anything to talk to. the night we met, we left to go and buy beer for everyone. what should have been a 15 drive, turned into 2 hours. i knew him, i could read him, i knew his thoughts, his wants and needs immediately, and i told him that, and he found it very interesting. we talked about so many things most people talk about in a year that night. when we got back, we didn't stay long, we ended up leaving at that same time, and was caught at a stoplight @ 2 a.m., nobody else around. he looked over at me and said, "you know i didn't get my wish tonight" i turned to him through the passenger window and said, "so why dont' you then?" so he gets out of his car, leans through my window and we have our first kiss.......
we found ourselves calling eachother everyday, almost an obsession. we hid our relationship for many months, just due to the fact of his situation. i hate myself for that. he was still living with his "wife" in the same house, in the basement, sort of a roommate situation until he could get out on his feet. one night we were chatting online, and he left the window open on accident, it was the first night he told me he had fallen in love with me. now i think it was left open on purpose, hoping she'd see it, and she did. we planned to meet at his business and have dinner, while we were there, we heard a knock on the door....it was her. that was the beginning of my hell for the last 5 years......
his second daughter was born on may 26th, and i waited for him to call from the hospital. it was as if i was a friend to both of them that day, but i was not wanted. i wonder what the atmosphere was like in the delivery room, if he held her hand through it, encouraged her, gave her coaching, kissed her forehead when she was in pain, i still don't know, at that time i didn't care, i was dumb..so very dumb. being seperated from eachother, her knowing about me, and bringing a daughter into the world created out of love from a night of lust. i saw camryn 3 days later when he stopped over to show her off. tom got a house to rent, and i was able to spend more time alone with him. most of our time together was with friends, of which had no idea about our relationship. we would hide behind doorways and bathrooms, and passionately kiss eachother, not knowing when our next meeting would occur. once he got his house, i still hid. from what i don't know. i allowed myself to become a secret. this kept on for 6 months, any slight noise i'd freak out, hide in a closet, thinking it was his wife, their divorce was not final yet, and i did feel horrible for being in that position, but i couldn't stay away. she would drop off the kids, and i'd be hiding in the other room, she didn't know i was there. however, i was encouraged to hide by him, i should have seen that coming. a year passed, and we got an apartment together. he was paying crazy child support, i was working 2 jobs, one of which was waitressing, and i was exhausted at the end of the day. he didn't make very good money, i always paid for all the bills, and was the one to sacrifice to make it happen. arguments began to occur, late night yelling and crying, turned into attempting to leave the apartment, but being barracaded and not let out. he never hurt me physically, but the emotional pain was just as bad. tom was a very jealous, controlling person, i was very innocent, young, submissive and nieve. i loved him, and would do anything for him, and now, its just another jerry springer episode looking back. he managed to say the right things, make me forgive him, and i'd move on. we did have many good times, but the bad seemed to overturn them. i didn't talk to my friends, family, anyone. i was put in a box to hide away from the world, that was his controlling nature. it happened over time, without me realizing what was happening. i lost many friends for him, i didn't care then. hey, i had him.. right..thats all i needed....


engagement photo 

i got engaged to tom after we'd been together 2 years. i remember we had a huge fight that day, arguing outside his business..he asks me to go for a ride with him, it was pouring down rain. i get in the car, crying, looking out the window, avoiding any eye contact with him..thinking to myself, i hate my life, i'm not happy. he drives to the intersection where we had our first kiss. its 8pm in the evening, in a driving rain, very dark outside. i can still remember how loud the rain was hitting the car..
he gets out, walks around the car, opens my door, and i look down, and he's on one knee in the pouring rain, soaking wet, holding a black box. i just stare at him, not sure what to do. he spills his undying love for me, tells me he realizes things haven't been good, that he wants things to get better....basically everything i needed to hear at the moment. and then he asks me to be his wife. i say yes. i said yes to my dream, yes, to wanting to be happy, and sharing a life with someone. but did i say yes to "him"....i never thought about that until now.

tom's daughters from his previous marriage..

emily camryn 

emily (now 7) and camryn (now 5) those girls were like my own. i had camryn in my life since she was born. i watched her grow up into a beautiful girl. i taught emily how to ride her bike. i taught camryn how to scrapbook. i taught both of them the right way to "wash their girl parts" in the shower. those are things a mom does, i am so glad i had that opportunity to be in their lives, and somehow make them who they are today. they are very intelligent, both of them accepted into accelerated schools for the gifted. i am so proud of them. i took on the role as "mom" probably too much, i was the room mother for their classroom parties, i also was vice president of their school's pta. their mom completely resented me for that, but she didnt want to bother with those things...she's a whole different story. she hates me.

i spent a year planning our wedding, 9/28/02, all for one day. my parents spent assloads of money on things. i did have a beautiful wedding.

wedding 

i was happy on that day. all of my friends and family were together, showing their support towards me.

looking back, i remember my father coming into my brideroom before the ceremony and looking at me.

dad before wedding 

he began to cry, his baby getting married, someone taking me away from him. he takes my hand and asks me.."are you sure this is what you want"..without hesitation i answer, "yes." why did he ask me that? did he know something i didn't...?


me & tom 

this is the last picture that i remember being happy with tom. it was taken at my brother's wedding, may 22, 2003. i had talked to my brother about not being happy, and thats when i thought about filing for a divorce.

tom's father passed away on may 31st. he'd been struggling with cancer for a year, and i had the unwanted honor of being with him when he passed. somehow i couldn't be the next to be gone from tom's life. i pushed away the thoughts of divorce for the sake of hurting him. not taking how i felt seriously...